0:02
Among the many skills required to have a
0:04
good relationship, one stands out above
0:07
any other. The capacity to live without
0:10
a relationship. Only those who fully
0:13
made their peace with the prospect of
0:15
being single can have the calm,
0:17
steadiness, and courage to face down the
0:19
problems in love with the necessary
0:21
conviction or outside of relationships
0:24
to endure the many months, even years or
0:26
decades that it might take for the right
0:29
person to appear. Only if we know we can
0:32
survive alone, can we ever have the
0:34
confidence to ask for changes from a
0:36
partner and be known to mean it. Our
0:39
ultimatums can't be faked. Our partners
0:42
have a sixth sense of how far they can
0:44
push us before we walk away. And if we
0:46
never can, if we dread solitude more
0:49
than we do mistreatment, we can be toyed
0:51
with without end. We must always be
0:54
aware that we might need to get out only
0:57
in order to foster the conditions that
0:59
mean we will never need to. We must be
1:02
like a nation that every year practices
1:03
a military drill, not because it knows
1:05
it will be attacked, but in order to
1:07
reduce the chances it ever will be, even
1:10
in the midst of the greatest coziness,
1:12
wise lovers know that they might yet
1:14
need to make use of a metaphoric getaway
1:17
bag that they keep under the bed.
1:20
Likewise, while dating, we must make our
1:22
peace with ongoing singlehood in order
1:25
to have the clarity to turn down person
1:28
after person, date after date, who
1:30
doesn't attract or interest us
1:32
sufficiently. Only if we can bear our
1:35
own company will we avoid having to
1:37
persuade ourselves of the rightness of
1:39
the wrong people. Will we avoid letting
1:42
the fear of dying alone spoil our lives?
1:46
At the same time, we'll never be able to
1:48
make our peace with singlehood unless we
1:50
move beyond one of the cardinal
1:53
sentimental rallying cries of our age.
1:55
That being single might be fun,
1:58
fulfilling, or interesting. So long as
2:01
we continue with such broomemides, we'll
2:04
suffer far more than we need to. Not
2:06
only will we be alone, we'll feel
2:08
ashamed at how awful it is to be so. We
2:11
need to accept the truth unflinchingly.
2:13
Being single is horrible. Of course, it
2:16
is boring, frightening, dispiriting, and
2:19
alienating. Yet, our very best chance of
2:22
accepting and dealing adequately with
2:24
singlehood is not to keep harboring any
2:26
illusions about it. There's nothing
2:28
interesting about having the whole bed
2:30
to ourselves or about being able to play
2:32
music loudly at 3:00 a.m. The dating
2:34
rigmarroll is a fast route to mental
2:37
exhaustion. But once we accept the
2:39
bleakness, it will stop surprising or
2:42
humiliating us at every turn. For all
2:44
its awfulness, singlehood is always
2:47
better than the alternative. A bad
2:49
relationship with an immature,
2:51
shape-shifting, unself-aware, borderline
2:54
person. It's better to be crying yet
2:57
again on the living room floor bemoning
2:59
our fate than trying to get a
3:01
recalcitrant, cheating, vain partner to
3:04
come on board and love us properly. At
3:07
least solitude doesn't rob us of a
3:09
future. At least at all moments, it
3:12
contains the possibility of something
3:14
better. We should hate being single very
3:17
much. We should also know the extent to
3:19
which enduring it soberly and steadily
3:22
is the ultimate guarantor of the future
