What happened to Nathaniel Drew?

Do you ever think to yourself, how many

more times are my assumptions about the

world going to be wrong?

>> When will the floor that I stand on stop

giving out?

>> How many times am I going to have to

rethink what I thought I knew about

myself? It may not seem like it, but

it's like 5:30 a.m. Couldn't sleep. I

have to tell this story.

And every time I try to think my way

through, God seems to say, "Are you sure

about that?"

>> I finally feel ready to talk about what

has been an extremely uncomfortable and

very personal journey.

The process of letting go of something

that was weighing me down tremendously.

And to tell that story, I'd like to

first travel 800 years back in time. The

year is 1,225.

And a boy by the name of Thomas Aquinas

is born into a noble family in southern

Italy. His family wanted him to become a

Benedictine abbid, which was a very

prestigious, wealthy, and powerful

position. The Benedictines had been

around for like 700 years, and it just

made sense for a noble. He did not

become a Benedicting Abbott. Instead, he

announced to his family that he was

going to become a Dominican, which is

completely different. These were begging

friars. They would own nothing, wander

the streets, preach. Totally different

ballgame. And what does his family do?

They freak out. Like, if you think it's

a big deal to tell your parents that you

dropped out of college or you quit your

job, imagine doing this. They were like,

"What are you doing? You have

everything. Why would you throw this

away?" and his brothers literally, I'm

not exaggerating, literally kidnapped

him and locked him up in the family

castle for over a year. This was in an

attempt to change his mind. So to try to

break his vow of celibacy and therefore

his spiritual resolve, they actually

they tried sending in a prostitute and

locking her up with him in an attempt to

tempt him, to seduce him. The story goes

that his response to this was to take a

burning log from the fireplace and to

chase her out of the castle and once she

was gone to burn a cross on the door. He

was maybe 19 years old at this point. So

that should give you a little idea of

the kind of person we're talking about

here. Eventually he gets out of there

and the world that he enters is chaos.

Okay, we're talking medieval Europe.

We're in the middle of the crusades

which are super violent. Everyone's

killing each other. The pope was calling

the emperor the antichrist and the

Mongols were arriving from the east.

Forgot about that. Amongst all of this

fighting, there was arguably an even

bigger threat to the church that was

arriving and its name was Aristotle.

Centuries earlier, when Rome had fallen,

Western Europe actually lost most of

Aristotle's work. This is because nobody

really spoke or read Greek anymore.

Literacy went down and all the

institutions that existed to preserve

this knowledge were falling apart. So it

wasn't like his work was destroyed. It

was kind of like Western Europe forgot

about him incredibly. Aristotle's work

survived in the Islamic world now

translated to Arabic. Okay? So Western

Europe is rediscovering Aristotle's

work. And the church has no idea what to

do with this. This is like the church's

worst nightmare. Think about it. It's an

entire system that's rational,

empirical, that covers everything you

could imagine, that explains the world.

It's pagan, so it totally bypasses

Christianity, and it arrives wrapped in

centuries of Arabic commentary.

Suddenly, the church does not have the

only explanation to the world and to how

life works. The church's response was to

panic, to ban it from being taught

anywhere. And now we come back to

Aquinus, who's like, "Now wait a second,

hold my beer." Just kidding. It wouldn't

have been beer. It would have been wine.

He was known for enjoying a good glass

of wine. So, hold my wine. He was like,

maybe I can make sense of all of this.

The idea was basically that reason and

faith were maybe not enemies. Maybe they

could work together. They're

complimentary paths to the same truth.

So, Aquinus dedicated himself to

reconciling Arisatilian philosophy with

Christian theology. This is an enormous

task. Okay. He made it his life mission

and would go on to create an enormous

body of work including what is

considered to be his master work the

suma theologica but this is this is a

beast we are talking about thousands of

pages covers everything you could

possibly think of in the 13th century

the existence of God the nature of the

soul the ethics of war and it's just an

unbelievable intellectual accomplishment

this system of thought called tomism was

later declared the official philosophy

of the Roman Catholic Church and Then

something extraordinary happens on

December 6th, 1273. Aquinus is 8 million

words deep into his work. Okay? And he's

still working on the Suma Theologica,

which is incomplete. He says his morning

mass, all normal. But the story goes, he

had some kind of mystical experience or

some kind of vision. Something happens.

We don't know what exactly. Mass ends.

his secretary and very very close friend

Reginald of Piperno follows him back to

his cell which is what they would do

every day for like 15 years to get back

to work. Aquinus would dictate.

Regginald would write except instead of

working, Aquinus is acting weird. He's

very calm and he's like has this sort of

far away look and he just stays quiet.

He doesn't dictate. So Reginald goes,

"What's going on? Why aren't we working

on this?" Aquinus's response is nonpum.

I cannot go on. Reginald thinks Thomas

is exhausted from overwork. But a few

days later, still no work is happening.

Regginald asks him again like what is

going on? We have been writing an

enormous amount for years on end. Why do

we stop? And eventually Aquinus

responds, I can write no more. I have

seen things that make my writings like

straw. That is just extraordinary to me.

And from that day onward, he stopped

entirely. He never worked on the Suma

Theologica again. He did end up making

one final piece of theological writing.

I only mention this because it goes to

show you he still had his capacity to

write. It shows he didn't have like a

stroke. And then 3 months later, he

died. Nobody knows what happened exactly

at mass that extraordinary day. Aquinus

never explained. What do you have to

have seen to in an instant completely

cast away your life's work? This is a

guy who had extraordinary reasoning

capabilities who could argue and explain

his way through basically anything and

suddenly he fell silent. It's incredible

and it's genuinely a fascinating

question to ponder on. Maybe I'm I think

about it because I'm somebody who has

placed a lot of value in my life, on my

work, on my output, on what I create.

And when you hear a story like this, it

just makes you wonder. Okay, so that's

the Aquinus story. Epic, dramatic, very

fun to tell. I had a lot of fun telling

it. Why am I telling that story? My life

is nowhere near as dramatic. I have not

created a body of work that merits any

comparison. What do I even have in

common with this guy? And yet, there's

something I found deeply resonant in

this story. Not everything actually.

There's a few key differences I want to

specify in a moment. But there's

something there. I think perhaps it is

this idea that you can spend many years

building something and making it your

entire life and then having a change of

heart and then realizing it is not what

you thought it was from the age of 13

when I started working and

coincidentally when I started writing.

>> Okay, so um we've done the shooting for

today. I've just always been obsessed

with building. I'm just looking for my

water bottle cuz I've lost it here. And

you think, hm, it'd be pretty easy

finding a water bottle, but this place

is enormous.

Yeah, I don't really spot it anywhere.

You know, building myself up

financially, building up a career,

building up a brand and a presence

online and a life.

>> It's kind of exciting. I'm looking

forward to editing and uh we'll see. I

can't wait for the finished product. I

think I've been continually trying to

figure out what this is all about

because it goes way beyond just having

enough money each month to live. There's

something deeper there. I think I've

been obsessed with this idea of finding

freedom through my work, which I think

is partially true and partially false.

It's partially true because at my core,

I have a deep, deep love for

storytelling.

It's stressful being outside right now.

>> So, I just got on by a bird and at

first I was like

>> and through storytelling, connecting

with the world, expressing myself,

expressing my curiosity, being connected

with this world.

>> That's amazing. Absolutely incredible.

>> And it's genuinely so liberating and

expansive for me. But it's not

everything. I think identifying with my

work, identifying with what I've put out

online has also in some ways been a kind

of prison. There has always been this

desire to make things that people

admire, to be respected, to be listened

to. And that I don't think is a creative

urge. I think that's ego. It's a search

for safety. If people like me, if they

watch what I do, I am safe. And then

when my work online did finally take

off, when it grew and grew and grew, I

felt fear. Suddenly it was like, "Oh my

god, I don't want to lose this." I found

myself gripping onto this because I

found myself accidentally confusing

what I had with a form of safety. I just

became deeply attached to being

Nathaniel Drew. Forgive me for speaking

in third person here. going to do a

little bit of furniture shopping, which

kind of stresses me out. But like being

this guy online that people like and

that people watch, we've definitely got

at least an hour and a half, 2 hours to

head back, but it just started raining.

So, tomorrow I'm swimming in that the

famous Denube being somebody. This is

not necessarily going to be very

relatable, but I think it's important to

share anyway. At some point in 2019, my

videos began to consistently cross

100,000 views. Now, sometimes it was way

more than that, but the floor became at

least 100,000 views. And this is a

streak that I was able to maintain for a

year and then a second year and then six

years. Six years in a row, no video

dipped under 100,000 views. That's a

ridiculously large number if you think

about it. And it also doesn't mean

anything at all, right? It's exactly the

same as saying a certain number in my

bank account matters, right? Or means

something. It doesn't. It doesn't mean

anything beyond the meaning I give it.

But what I am saying is that I got

confused and I did think it meant

something. I thought it said something

about who I am and my impact in the

world. I went from nobody knowing what I

do at all to being recognized on the

street regularly. And I think I got

swept up in that. keeping that streak

going. You know, at first it didn't

matter and then it became this thing I

did not want to break. It represented

mattering and dipping below that number,

dipping below 100,000 views meant

something bad, some kind of disaster,

some kind of regression, some kind of

people don't care anymore, a kind of

loss. When the focus becomes the numbers

and the things I'm talking about right

now and not the simple joy of creating

and expressing yourself, something's

lost, right? I'm stating the obvious

here, but I'm also human. I've got an

ego. I've got fears. And I got lost in

that along the way. But honestly, I

think one of the messages that I want to

convey with this video and that I think

I want to convey through all of my work

that you can lose yourself. You can lose

sight of why you originally started

something and you can always find your

way back. You can always return to

yourself. That is what I want my work to

be about. And I don't want to just talk

about it. I want to do it. That's what

this new series of videos is about.

Rediscovering this joy of making things,

of the simple act of creation. Even just

talking about it just fills me up with

the kind of energy I want to be filled

up with, you know, and it's so easy to

lose track of that. But it's also so

important to me to return to that.

Musicbed, who are sponsoring this video,

have made it like a core piece of their

brand, of their message to support

creators in that mission. And I think it

is just so awesome that there are people

out there that get it. Music Bed is a

licensing agency that only represents

real artists, people who tour, who

release records, who actually have

something to say. And that also means

that all of the music that I've used in

this video was created by those artists.

Every single one of them is handpicked,

so you're not crawling through thousands

of songs hoping something will hit. It's

genuinely a super high quality library.

And I mean, you guys know how much music

matters to me. It makes all of the

difference in the world. So, consider

checking out Music Bed with the link in

the description down below, and you'll

get a 14-day free trial. Seriously, it

is one of the best ways to support my

work, to support this channel, and it

helps me keep these videos free and

accessible to everybody. Also, if you

feel inspired, go make something. It's

therapeutic really. Thank you MusicB for

sponsoring this video and supporting my

work. Anyway, as I was saying, when the

focus becomes the numbers and the things

I'm talking about right now and not the

simple joy of creating and expressing

yourself, something's lost, right? I'm

stating the obvious here, but I'm also

human. I've got an ego. I've got fears.

And I got lost in that along the way.

And I just found myself in maintaining

mode, maintaining this persona, this

image online, you know, again in third

person. Nathaniel Drew wasn't really a

person anymore. It was like a concept

online that people like had opinions

about and that was just weird and I was

feeding into it. I just was so pulled by

the allure of being somebody that I

never thought about how much work, how

much energy has to go into feeding into

that person forever. It never ends. It

keeps going forever. That is exhausting.

So over time in a far less dramatic way

I think I started to see what I had

created in a different light a little

bit reminiscent of what I feel happened

maybe to Aquinus. So last year after 6

years that streak finally broke and

after a lot of therapy and emotional

work my feeling was not what I expected.

It was just relief, an immense sense of

relief, a kind of freedom and acceptance

that I don't have to maintain this

anymore. I can let it go. I don't need

this. No disaster is awaiting me and not

give it so much importance. I'm not

saying I totally don't care at all

anymore. That would be a lie. But I can

hold all this stuff so much less

tightly. Oh my goodness. And boy, did

that take forever. So many countless

hours of emotional work. And I'll

probably still have moments where this

is tough. You know, again, I'm not I'm

not fully zen about all this stuff

still. But what a difference. I am

letting it go. Letting it go. Woo.

I'm letting go of ideas of myself. I'm

letting go of ideas of the life that I

should live or was going to live. I'm

letting go of ideas of how important I

am. I think I'm coming to terms more

with the fact that I cannot build or

achieve my way to safety. That's not an

option. That doesn't that's not how life

works. You expand expand expand until

you reach the limits of the system that

you find yourself in. And then sometimes

the only way to keep expanding is to let

the system itself collapse so that you

may find yourself in a new bigger

system. I really really believe this.

I've had to go through all of these

experiences to demystify them to see

clearly. I think this is the only way to

get clarity. You have to chase your

dreams. I chase my dreams and I

demystified them. I cannot believe that

I am doing this. This is kind of crazy.

>> And I got lost in the glamour and the

allure only to eventually go through

that process of slowly letting it go and

becoming free from that thing. There's

still like a thousand other things I'm

not free from. But there is this like

new level of freedom I'm finding within

myself which is just unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

>> I definitely feel disoriented. I don't

think I've realized what's just

happened.

Now I really think it's important to say

this where I differ from Aquinus is that

I am not in a place where I am ready to

put down the pen never to pick it up

again. The ego and the identity and the

numbers are straw, but the underlying

there's like a something underneath

that. The underlying core love I have

for storytelling is still very much

there. It's very real. I can almost see

it more clearly now as I'm clearing away

all this other stuff. I'm trying to get

back to the things that I love, the

things that fill me with joy.

>> Take a look at this.

>> We may be filming here.

>> It's the golden light. So, um, yeah.

Fingers crossed.

>> Oh my god. This is this is just so

weird. Like, what the man? This is

Are you kidding me? I'm sort of

rediscovering this stuff without some of

the weight I've been carrying for a long

time. This feels like the end of act one

in my adult life. All of those chapters

I've shared in the in the last few

years. Nathaniel Drew 1.0,

2....................0

3....................................................................................................

All that. I'm. I'm. putting it under the

umbrella term of act one of my adult

life. I think that's just a fun way to

think about it. It works in my narrative

arc oriented brain and act two hasn't

started yet. I'm in the middle. I'm in

what I'm calling the parabasis like an

intermission almost between acts. It is

disorienting and I am scared but I also

know I'm on the right path. I know that

this is the right thing to do. This is

I'm I'm doing the right thing. But this

is going to be a process, guys, because

I don't know what act two is going to

look like exactly beyond the fact that I

just want to be even more connected to

my heart, even more vulnerable, even

more exploratory on my search to

freedom. This is going to be so fun to

film in. And it's so cool. So cool. I

love it.

>> And it's going to be one observation,

one discovery at a time, which has been

how I've always done this. That's always

been the point. And so in this way feels

like I'm starting completely over. I'm

learning how to live life all over

again. I thank you as always for

following along, for participating in

this journey, even if that means just

popping in from time to time to see how

it's going. I hope I have given you some

food for thought for your next walk or

dinner with a friend. And with that, I

will say thank you for watching and I

will see you soon.

Okay, so we're in our last location and

um um we don't really have permission

here. We don't know if it's somebody's

property or what, but um we just want to

move quickly. I'm midway through

changing.