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I went to Kanye West recent tour, the
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Yeezus Tour. It was a big, dramatic,
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theatrical show. He did something very
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strange at the end of his show where he
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for like 20 minutes. It was kind of a
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rant, kind of a song. He had autotune on
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his voice and there was an instrumental
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in the background. Like this
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Talked about his problems.
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His $90 t-shirts weren't selling very
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well. That was most of it. And I Watch
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I thought maybe I could do this.
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I'll be honest, my problems
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not as high stakes as Kanye's, but I
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And maybe a crowd in New York would be
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nice enough to indulge me. So, as we get
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to the end of a night of theater
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and comedy and sweaters coming on and
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off, I got one question for you.
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New York, can I say my [ __ ]
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I got lots of [ __ ] to say.
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I got lots of [ __ ] to say.
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I can't fit my hand inside a Pringle
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I have a huge amount of trouble fitting
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my hand inside of a Pringle can. I can
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get my hand like 4 inches into the can,
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but then I have to tilt the can into my
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mouth. But by that point a bunch of
1:35
crumbs have accumulated at the bottom of
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the can, so they all go spilling out of
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What I'm trying to say is the diameter
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of Pringle cans is way too small.
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I'll say it again, the diameter of
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Pringle cans is way too small. Two
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radiuses of a Pringle can is way too
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small. If you feel me, put your hands
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up. Come on. If you feel me, put your
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Look at all these hands that are way too
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big to fit inside a Pringle can.
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Your hands are too big to fit inside a
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Pringle can. Your hands are too big to
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fit inside a Pringle can.
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You think you can, I know you can't. You
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think you can't. Pringles, listen to the
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people. I am sure 90% of the complaint
2:18
letters you get are about the width of
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I've overdone the Pringles sorry.
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I want to have a daughter.
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Want to have a daughter.
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So I can finally have someone around the
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house who can fit their hands in a
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Pringle can. Yes, I'm still on the
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Pringle can thing. Yeah.
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I'll move on. All right.
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But that is priority numero uno.
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I don't go to the gym cuz I'm
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self-conscious about my body.
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But I'm self-conscious about my body cuz
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I don't go to the gym. Irony can be so
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Got myself a chicken burrito.
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I went down the line. I got like all
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these ingredients and then at the end of
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the line the guy tried to wrap the
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burrito, but half of the [ __ ] inside the
3:30
burrito spilled out. He still wrapped
3:31
it. I was like, "Dude, you should have
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warned me. You're a burrito expert. You
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should have told me halfway through,
3:36
'Hey man, you might be reaching maximum
3:38
burrito capacity here.'"
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Do you think I want a messy burrito? No
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one wants a messy burrito. The whole
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appeal of a burrito is that all of the
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ingredients are contained within the
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confines of the tortilla.
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I I have gotten half this [ __ ] if I knew
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it was going to fit in the burrito, all
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right? Look. I wouldn't have got the
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lettuce if I knew it wouldn't have fit.
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Wouldn't have got the cheese if I knew
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it wouldn't have fit.
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Wouldn't have got the peppers if I knew
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they wouldn't have fit.
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half of it like I'm okay with small
4:08
mistakes. If you got no more chicken,
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I'll take pork. But I'll blow my dad
4:14
before I eat a burrito with a fork.
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Wouldn't have got the lettuce if I knew
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it wouldn't have fit.
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Wouldn't have got the cheese if I knew
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it wouldn't have fit.
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Wouldn't have got the peppers if I knew
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they wouldn't have I wouldn't have got
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I think it's time I think it's time that
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I can sit here and pretend like my
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biggest problem is a Pringle can
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The truth is my biggest problem is you.
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I want to please you,
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but I want to stay true to myself. I
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want to give you the night out that you
5:19
deserve, but I want to say what I think
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and not care what you think about it. A
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part of me loves you.
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Part of me hates you.
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Part of me needs you.
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Part of me fears you.
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And I don't think that I can handle this
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Handle this right now. I don't think
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that I can handle this right now.
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I don't think that I can handle this
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I don't think that I can
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Thank you. Goodnight. I hope you're
