0:00
Nobody plans on being in a toxic
0:01
relationship. And if you've talked to
0:03
anyone who has had to endure one, I bet
0:05
they would say two things. One, it was
0:08
far worse than they could have imagined.
0:09
And two, they wish people understood it
0:12
didn't start out that way. That's the
0:14
problem with toxic relationships. At
0:16
first, they feel like any other
0:17
relationship. It's exciting. The
0:19
connection feels intense. Feels like you
0:21
found your person. There's an incredible
0:23
bond, right? You can't stop thinking
0:25
about them. You want to spend as much
0:26
time as possible with them. You're
0:27
flooded with these feel-good hormones
0:30
when they're in your arms. And it's so
0:31
hard not to let yourself just be excited
0:34
that you found someone. But then slowly,
0:36
there are these moments where something
0:38
feels off, right? They're rude or
0:39
dismissive. Maybe they blame you for
0:41
something that clearly wasn't your
0:43
fault. Maybe they lash out just for a
0:44
moment. And afterwards, we give them the
0:47
benefit of the doubt. They're just
0:48
stressed, right? I mean, it seems out of
0:50
character for them so far. So, we
0:53
forgive and we move on.
0:55
Because that's what love does, right?
0:56
But slowly over time, those moments
0:58
become more frequent, and they turn into
1:00
patterns. And those patterns start to
1:02
really hurt. And all of a sudden, you
1:04
feel a lot more confused, right? Why are
1:06
they treating me like this? And worse,
1:08
they get so defensive or they blame you
1:11
when you bring it up. And that's the
1:13
first sign of an unhealthy or toxic
1:15
relationship is you feel confused all
1:17
the time. And even if you've missed all
1:19
the red flags, even if you look back on
1:21
your past relationships and you think,
1:23
"What was I thinking?"
1:25
I just need you to know this is a safe
1:26
place. There's no room for shame here.
1:28
We're practicing self-compassion. I've
1:31
ignored plenty of red flags, but we need
1:35
to learn to be compassionate with
1:37
ourselves. Maya Angelou said, "When you
1:39
know better, do better." So, in this
1:41
video, I want to help people see the
1:42
clues as early as possible that someone
1:45
might have toxic patterns that they're
1:47
developing, that they might be hiding
1:49
from you in the beginning. This is not
1:51
about diagnosing narcissism. We spend so
1:53
much time asking, "Is this person a
1:55
narcissist?" when the truth is, it
1:57
doesn't matter. An exponentially better
1:59
question than is this person a
2:00
narcissist is, does their behavior make
2:02
me feel safe or unsafe? Is this person
2:05
consistent, kind, and respectful? Do I
2:07
feel like an equal in this relationship?
2:10
Because I don't really care if they meet
2:11
all criteria for a narcissist. I mean,
2:13
are they going to go get diagnosed
2:16
No. So, don't let yourself get caught up
2:18
in asking that question over and over
2:19
again, is this person a narcissist, when
2:21
it doesn't really matter. What matters
2:23
is, is this person building me up or
2:26
tearing me down? Do I feel consistently
2:28
prioritized or overlooked? Those are the
2:31
questions we need to be answering. So,
2:33
in this video, I just want to help you
2:34
see the clues as early as possible that
2:36
someone might end up being controlling
2:39
or manipulative or self-centered or
2:41
toxic. Not so we're more anxious or
2:43
hyper-vigilant, but so you aren't
2:45
blinded by rose-colored glasses in the
2:47
beginning like I was. And so that you
2:49
fully understand what behaviors are
2:51
early red flags that should not be
2:53
ignored. The first early warning sign is
2:55
love bombing. Now, love bombing sounds
2:58
bad, but let me warn you, if you're
3:00
anything like me and you have some
3:01
codependent tendencies, that means it's
3:03
easy to let someone else dictate my
3:06
worth and value based on how they see
3:08
me. If you have some anxious attachment,
3:10
love bombing might sound bad, but it
3:13
doesn't feel bad. And that's step one of
3:15
the problem. I was so excited to find my
3:17
person. I was so excited to meet my twin
3:19
flame. I was excited to bond with
3:22
And that can easily move the
3:23
relationship too fast and accept
3:26
intensity for intimacy,
3:29
but it's not. Being on the other side of
3:31
things, I can lovingly tell you,
3:34
you most likely do not know this person.
3:37
There will be countless people in the
3:38
comments, hopefully, that remind all of
3:40
us that in the beginning, everyone's
3:43
wearing a mask to some extent. Probably
3:47
We do not need to rush things because we
3:49
don't actually know them yet. Now, does
3:52
that mean we shouldn't be excited about
3:53
a new relationship? No, of course not.
3:55
Doesn't mean we shouldn't feel good when
3:57
someone's being nice to us? No. I just
3:59
want us to enjoy those early dating
4:02
flood of hormones, but also remember
4:05
that's not love. Because toxic or
4:08
narcissistic people love to use love
4:09
bombing, which is excessive praise and
4:11
admiration and gifts at the beginning of
4:12
a relationship as a way to hook your
4:15
nervous system into bonding with them.
4:17
Because if they can get you to bond to
4:19
them, then they can start dropping the
4:21
mask and you won't leave. So, the first
4:24
warning sign is someone who is trying to
4:25
speed things along, rushing commitment,
4:28
saying things like, "I've never felt
4:30
this way about anyone before. You're
4:32
everything that I could ever dream of."
4:35
To someone starving for emotional
4:37
connection, this feels like everything
4:39
we've ever wanted, right? And I'm not
4:41
saying that this is always toxic. I'm
4:43
saying we have to be careful because
4:44
this is a common tool that toxic people
4:47
use to get you chemically bonded to
4:49
them. The truth is, you don't know
4:50
people's intentions early on. And maybe
4:52
they're unintentionally love bombing
4:54
you, right? Because they're just
4:55
excited. That's possible. But at the
4:57
same time, there's no reason There's no
5:00
reason to rush things at the beginning
5:01
of a relationship. I mean, you're in
5:03
charge of your own life, but for me, I'm
5:05
ashamed to admit I would get sexual
5:08
quicker than I wish I had.
5:10
And by the time I finally found out who
5:12
they really were, I already felt
5:14
invested. I felt like I needed to make
5:17
And that's a problem. The next clue is,
5:19
how do they talk about their exes or
5:21
past relationships? Are they all evil?
5:23
Are they all crazy? Are they always the
5:25
victim of being mistreated by someone?
5:28
Because toxic people, there's no
5:30
maturity arc. If you ask them what they
5:31
learned from their past relationships,
5:33
it would be something like,
5:35
"I don't know. I guess I guess I was
5:36
just too trusting. People always take
5:38
advantage of me." And oftentimes this is
5:40
the only fake vulnerability that they're
5:42
going to give you in the relationship,
5:44
them talking about how many people have
5:46
hurt them or abandoned them in the past.
5:48
How so many people have taken advantage
5:50
of them. And it's actually really
5:52
important to mention that because they
5:53
are laying a foundation here for people
5:55
who are empaths or givers were kind of
5:58
drawn to people who feel like everyone
6:00
has hurt them in the past. We want to be
6:02
a safe place for them. We want to be the
6:04
type of people that the dog who was
6:07
abused comes to because it knows that
6:09
we're safe. That's what fills our hearts
6:11
with joy, right? But we also have to be
6:13
careful because sometimes in a
6:14
relationship we want to heal them with
6:16
love. We understand their pain. We
6:18
empathize with it. We want to save them
6:21
from it. We see their fears of
6:22
commitment as an opportunity to prove to
6:25
them that they can trust us, right? And
6:27
when they see that, they're going to
6:29
love us back with this amazing intense
6:31
selfless love, right?
6:34
Wrong. That's not what happens, is it?
6:36
And especially if they have some toxic
6:38
patterns baseline, they're going to be
6:40
vulnerable with you by talking about how
6:43
everyone else has abandoned them. So
6:44
you'll say, "Well, I won't abandon you."
6:47
And then when they do something toxic in
6:48
the future and you dare to complain
6:51
about it or set a healthy boundary, they
6:52
can use that against you. "I thought you
6:54
weren't going to hurt me like everyone
6:56
else has." And now you're confused again
6:59
because you don't want to abandon them.
7:01
You just want that hurtful behavior to
7:03
stop. The next sign that someone might
7:05
be toxic later on is that they don't
7:07
have empathy for strangers or animals.
7:10
Just remember how they treat other
7:12
people. If they view everyone else as an
7:15
idiot. If everybody else is stupid and
7:17
they get into these conflicts with
7:18
everybody else. How they treat them
7:20
is exactly how they're going to treat
7:22
you one day. And I get it, you're in
7:24
their good graces now, but everything
7:26
with them is transactional. So soon
7:28
enough, you'll express a feeling or a
7:30
need or God forbid a complaint and they
7:33
will talk to you just like they talk to
7:35
everybody else. So pay attention to how
7:37
they handle conflicts with other friends
7:39
or family in their life because toxic
7:41
people are trying to establish a power
7:43
dynamic as fast as possible. The way
7:45
they do that is by testing your
7:47
boundaries, seeing how much they can get
7:49
away with, mocking your limits, shaming
7:52
you in some minor disrespectful way
7:55
disguised as a joke maybe. So then if
7:58
you have the courage to bring it up and
7:59
let them know that you didn't like that,
8:01
they can easily fall back on okay, jeez,
8:03
I was just joking. I mean, I didn't know
8:05
you were so sensitive, right? Always be
8:07
wary of someone telling you how you
8:09
should or shouldn't feel. You're making
8:11
too big of a deal about this. I mean,
8:13
just think about those two statements.
8:15
Who can claim you're too sensitive?
8:17
You're making too big of an issue about
8:19
this. You're overreacting. You shouldn't
8:21
feel that way. Who can say that other
8:24
than someone who thinks they know best
8:27
and you don't. Be careful with anyone
8:30
who's trying to make you question
8:32
yourself and your own worth and value.
8:34
Be careful with anyone who's hinting at
8:35
controlling behavior or trying to shame
8:37
your independence. They make a big deal
8:40
or accuse you of doing something
8:41
inappropriate because you wanted to go
8:43
hang out with your friends. They accuse
8:45
you of not caring about the relationship
8:47
because you still have a life outside of
8:49
them. Be careful of people who are
8:51
jealous. Feeling jealous is very normal
8:53
in a relationship. I have felt jealous
8:55
plenty of times, but be careful when the
8:57
jealousy is paired with controlling or
8:59
manipulative behavior or the silent
9:02
treatment. Because at the beginning of a
9:03
relationship, toxic people will covertly
9:06
punish you because they know that you
9:08
don't like conflict. You don't like
9:10
feeling disconnected. So as long as
9:11
you're doing what they say,
9:13
then they're nice to you. But as soon as
9:15
you don't, now they're cold and distant.
9:18
Be very careful when you don't feel like
9:19
your boundaries or limits are respected.
9:21
Healthy people don't mock your
9:22
boundaries. They honor them because they
9:25
love and care about you. Healthy people
9:27
don't want you to feel pressured or
9:28
coerced, right? I mean, do you want
9:30
people to feel like you're pressuring
9:33
Of course not. Toxic people think that
9:35
they need to be more important in your
9:37
life than your own boundaries. So, when
9:40
we're early on in a relationship, we
9:41
need to be intentionally enforcing small
9:43
boundaries, not to manipulate them, but
9:45
to gauge how they respond. How do they
9:47
respond when I say, "No, thank you." How
9:49
do they respond when I say, "I can't do
9:52
that." One of the biggest clues that
9:53
someone will eventually be toxic is
9:55
whether they feel entitled or not. What
9:57
does this person think they are entitled
9:59
to? Your time? Your body? Do they think
10:02
they're entitled to talk to you however
10:03
they want? Toxic people think you owe
10:05
them something. In their mind, it makes
10:07
perfect sense that you're lucky to be
10:09
with them. Therefore, you pretty much
10:11
owe them anything that they ask from
10:13
you, and they will punish you for not
10:15
giving it to them. Now, those
10:17
punishments will range from mild to
10:18
severe depending on where you're at in
10:20
the cycle. In the beginning, they're
10:21
just going to get more cold and distant.
10:23
They'll say things like, "You don't care
10:25
about this relationship. I know I'm not
10:26
important to you." Because they know
10:28
they can get away with that at this
10:30
stage. And unfortunately, those are some
10:32
of the moments where we fold without
10:34
realizing it. Because once again, we're
10:36
confused. Why are they accusing me of
10:38
these things? Why are they saying that I
10:40
don't care? How could they say that
10:41
based on everything I do for them? I
10:43
don't want them to feel like that. I
10:45
just want to go back to the way things
10:46
were. So, we give in. We find ourselves
10:49
staying with them. Instead of going out,
10:50
we cancel those plans because we don't
10:52
want to fight. We don't want them to
10:53
feel disconnected, right? But in doing
10:56
so, we're setting a precedent that we
10:58
don't even realize. We're giving power
11:00
and control to someone who is not
11:02
planning on giving it back. And this is
11:04
how trauma bonds start and intensify.
11:06
They pull back. They punish you. They
11:08
call you those names. They explode on
11:09
you. They say something cruel, but then
11:12
they come back. They're kind to you.
11:13
They love bomb you again. They flood you
11:16
with that dopamine and oxytocin. They
11:18
give you the affection that you wanted.
11:20
They tell you how wonderful you are. And
11:22
it becomes a cycle of intermittent
11:24
positive reinforcement that keeps us
11:27
The low lows are awful and
11:28
heartbreaking, but our brain is betting
11:30
on the fact that the high highs are
11:32
right around the corner
11:34
and it conditions us to tolerate things
11:36
we should never tolerate. And we stay
11:38
because we hope that things could be
11:40
different. Things could go back to the
11:42
way they were. We stay because we know,
11:44
I mean, we're not perfect either, right?
11:46
Who are we to judge them?
11:47
We stay because we've seen the good.
11:50
We've seen the potential of what could
11:52
be. We've seen the love that they can
11:56
And because they tell us that we're the
11:58
problem with so much conviction, it's
12:00
hard not to believe them. Because we're
12:02
used to questioning ourselves, aren't
12:03
we? We're used to wondering if we're the
12:05
problem. We're used to feeling that we
12:07
aren't valuable unless other people tell
12:10
We're used to avoiding conflict and
12:12
walking on eggshells to keep the peace
12:14
and putting other people's feelings and
12:15
needs above our own, right? We're used
12:18
to questioning ourselves and saying,
12:20
"Maybe I am the problem somehow. I mean,
12:22
heck, maybe I'm even a narcissist like
12:23
they tell me I am." But just remember,
12:26
you're the only one asking those
12:28
questions. I mean, just think about it.
12:30
You're wondering if you're the toxic
12:31
one. You're overthinking, you're
12:32
overanalyzing, you're hypervigilant to
12:34
their moods. You You know what triggers
12:36
them and you keep trying to avoid it,
12:38
but the goalpost keeps moving and it's
12:40
all just so confusing. But just
12:42
remember, you're the only one wondering
12:44
if you're the problem here. They
12:46
certainly aren't asking those questions,
12:48
right? Are they asking themselves if
12:50
they're the problem? No. Are they
12:52
wondering how they could show up better
12:57
they don't think they're doing anything
12:58
wrong. You're the only one laying awake
13:00
at night wondering what you could do
13:02
differently. They don't lose sleep over
13:04
how they treat you, even when it's
13:06
hurtful. So, if you want to diagnose who
13:08
the problem in the relationship is, it's
13:10
not usually the one who just wants to be
13:12
treated with equality and respect and
13:14
consideration. It's not the person who
13:16
just wants some consistency
13:18
instead of someone who's hot and then
13:20
cold, someone who uses the silent
13:22
treatment to get what they want. It's
13:24
not usually the one who feels confused
13:26
all the time. That person is not the
13:28
problem. The problem is the person who
13:30
has carefully created an environment
13:32
where you feel like you would be
13:34
punished for being vulnerable about how
13:36
you're feeling or what you're needing to
13:38
feel safe or valued or loved in this
13:40
relationship. The problem is the person
13:42
who is immediately interpreting
13:43
constructive feedback as an attack and
13:45
lashing out and refusing to take any
13:47
accountability for anything that they've
13:49
done because they don't care about the
13:52
impact of their words or actions. All
13:54
they care about is their intent. They
13:56
didn't care about your pain cuz it's
13:59
much easier to just blame you for that.
14:01
So, they gaslight, that never happened
14:03
or they get defensive and invalidate any
14:05
feeling you bring up. Well, you
14:06
shouldn't feel that way. Or they
14:08
apologize for the way you feel by
14:10
dismissing it. Well, I'm sorry that you
14:11
feel that way. I guess you can't take a
14:13
joke. Now, just because someone
14:14
occasionally invalidates you, does that
14:16
make them toxic? No, but all this stuff
14:19
is a pattern and we put it all together.
14:22
We need to be able to see without
14:24
shaming ourselves that we've
14:25
unintentionally become stuck in an
14:27
abusive or toxic or just unhealthy
14:31
and it's up to us to find a way out. And
14:33
our brain immediately goes to, yeah, but
14:35
what if they could change? And of course
14:36
it goes there because it's really scary
14:38
thinking about this relationship ending.
14:40
Even toxic or abusive relationships are
14:42
extremely difficult to leave and I can
14:44
have empathy for that. But as someone
14:46
who cares about you, I would just beg
14:48
you to stay grounded in reality and not
14:51
potential. If you just told me, they
14:53
don't care about my feelings or needs. I
14:55
mean, they mock me for even having them.
14:57
And this is not a safe place for me to
14:58
be vulnerable. And there is a power
15:00
dynamic. I would never get away with
15:02
treating them the way that they treat me
15:04
nor would I ever want to. Then we have
15:06
to ask ourselves, what evidence do you
15:08
have that they're interested in changing
15:10
or that this is even a safe environment
15:12
anymore? Of course it's possible that
15:14
they could change. Of course healing is
15:17
possible if they were to repent and
15:19
repair for the ruptures that have taken
15:21
place so far and build back trust
15:25
But I don't think they have any interest
15:26
in doing that. Do you? Because for me,
15:28
staying stuck and over-giving
15:31
was easier than dealing with the grief
15:34
this person doesn't actually love me.
15:36
They might love how I make them feel,
15:38
but they don't love me.
15:40
Because they don't even know me. They've
15:42
created an environment where I don't
15:45
even feel safe to show up as me anymore.
15:48
And most of that is their fault, but
15:50
some of that was my fault because I
15:52
didn't know the warning signs. I didn't
15:54
know what I should and shouldn't
15:55
tolerate in a relationship. I didn't
15:57
know what I was allowed to need. I
15:59
didn't know how to advocate for myself.
16:01
I didn't know what red flags were
16:03
deal-breakers, and I didn't know what
16:05
green flags have to be present in order
16:08
for intimacy and trust to flourish. So,
16:10
I settled for less than I deserved. And
16:13
sometimes, it just helps to hear someone
16:15
like me tell you that your feelings
16:17
aren't a burden. You're not too much.
16:20
You don't ever deserve to be blamed for
16:22
their outbursts. You don't deserve to be
16:24
called names or belittled or demeaned or
16:26
treated like you're less than. Those are
16:28
never things that anyone should have to
16:30
endure in a relationship. And at this
16:32
point, it's easy to get caught up in
16:34
whether or not those things are
16:35
technically abuse. I mean, am I actually
16:38
in an abusive relationship?
16:40
But do you know why our brains do that?
16:42
Because we're desperately searching for
16:43
a valid reason to leave because we don't
16:46
want to make the wrong decision. We
16:48
don't want to leave and it be
16:49
unjustified. But the truth is, if I just
16:52
described your situation at all, you're
16:54
so far past that. You're more than
16:56
justified at the bare minimum to take
16:58
space and talk to someone
17:00
professionally, and gauge whether or not
17:02
this relationship is safe at all
17:03
anymore, physically or emotionally. Part
17:06
of our healing work is realizing that
17:08
you will bend over backwards so far that
17:09
your bones will be breaking, and you'll
17:11
still ask, "Have I bent far enough to
17:14
ask for some reciprocation?" You will
17:16
endure hell and then ask, "Have I
17:18
endured enough to justify leaving?"
17:21
Because you know they're going to blame
17:23
you. They're going to say that you're
17:24
abandoning them. And you never want
17:26
anyone to feel that pain because you
17:28
know that pain, don't you? But you have
17:30
to realize they had every chance in the
17:32
entire world to steer this relationship
17:35
in a healthy direction.
17:36
And they chose the opposite. Every day
17:38
they had the opportunity to build
17:40
intimacy and trust and connection and
17:41
encourage safety and authenticity in
17:44
this relationship and they chose to
17:45
destroy it instead. Intentionally or
17:47
not, it doesn't matter. They caused
17:49
harm. When you informed them of it, they
17:53
That's what matters. Narcissistic people
17:55
create a climate where closeness is
17:57
impossible. They actively force you out
18:00
of their life and then they blame you
18:04
That's what's always going to happen
18:06
because they have to be the victim.
18:08
Otherwise, they would have to take
18:09
accountability and responsibility for
18:11
the way that they're treating you and
18:12
they're not going to do that. I had to
18:14
take accountability for the fact that I
18:15
knew something was off in my gut, but
18:17
they had conditioned me to question my
18:19
judgement and my confidence in my
18:21
decision-making was shot. And some of
18:25
but some of that was also me not knowing
18:28
how much of a red flag that was. And all
18:30
I can say is that you deserve someone
18:31
who celebrates your wins instead of
18:33
making it all about them and putting you
18:36
You deserve someone who spends just as
18:38
much effort trying to understand your
18:40
feelings as you do with finding the
18:43
perfect words so they don't feel
18:45
attacked. You deserve someone who sees
18:47
conflict as an opportunity to understand
18:50
instead of just trying to win. You
18:53
deserve someone who doesn't make you
18:54
over explain or silence yourself because
18:56
you don't feel safe and every
18:58
disagreement turns into a courtroom
19:00
where you have to prove that you
19:01
actually deserve equality or love. You
19:05
deserve someone who can actually
19:06
apologize when they mess up and who
19:08
cares about your satisfaction in this
19:09
relationship and not just their own.
19:12
You deserve a teammate, and some of you
19:15
haven't felt like you had a teammate for
19:18
and I'm so sorry. And that's why we're
19:20
here, right? To validate each other, and
19:22
support each other, and warn the next
19:24
generation of the early signs, so they
19:26
don't have to experience or go through
19:29
the same pain that you went through. You
19:31
don't end up in toxic relationships
19:32
because you're broken or flawed. You end
19:34
up there because you care. Because you
19:36
see the good. Because you're willing to
19:38
fight for connection.
19:40
But at some point, you have to stop
19:42
asking, "How can I make this work?" and
19:45
start asking, "Why am I trying so hard
19:46
to make something work that's
19:48
consistently hurting me?" Because the
19:50
goal isn't to just get better at
19:51
spotting red flags. The goal is to
19:53
remember you deserve all the green ones,
19:56
The trick to finding a great partner
19:58
isn't just to avoid the red ones,
20:00
it's to find someone that has all the
20:02
green flags that you know you need to
20:04
feel valued and safe in a relationship.
20:07
Someone who considers you and values
20:09
you. Someone you can feel calm around.
20:11
Someone who makes it clear that they
20:13
want you to feel like an equal. Your
20:15
perspective matters to them. You both
20:17
serve each other. There's no scoreboard.
20:19
You both fill each other's cup, and in
20:21
doing so, no one feels empty. A
20:24
relationship where you never have to
20:25
feel like you have to abandon yourself
20:27
just to not be abandoned.
20:29
And that relationship is possible for
20:30
you, and you deserve it. My advice is to
20:33
take things slow in the beginning.
20:34
Create your standard for how you know
20:36
you want to be treated early on.
20:38
Understand what needs are perfectly
20:39
normal, and build a fulfilling life
20:41
outside of your romantic relationships
20:43
with other safe people. So, when someone
20:45
comes along, you already know what type
20:47
of partnership you want. And when they
20:50
try to take things too fast, when they
20:51
try to bond with you too quickly, you
20:53
remind them that you want to build trust
20:55
slowly, because you want the real deal
20:57
with someone. You don't want some
20:58
intense flame that's going to burn out.
21:01
The right person will respect that and
21:03
slow down. A manipulative person will
21:06
shame you and move on, because they
21:08
probably don't want to waste time here.
21:09
And I get that this stuff can be really
21:11
hard to navigate, but you've got this.
21:13
Give yourself compassion for the
21:15
mistakes you've made in the past, and
21:17
let other people know the warning signs
21:19
to look out for so we can prevent other
21:22
people from falling into toxic
21:24
relationships in the future. Thank you
21:26
so much for watching today. Can't wait
21:28
to see you in the next one.
