All Good Things Come To An End... | Bonehead Podcast #185

Hey everyone, editing Ben here. Um, I

apologize. This video is a bit emotional

and it's about me and personal stuff, so

it may not be like the exciting Blood

Bowl video you're normally expecting on

a Monday night. Um, I'm sorry if it gets

a bit rambly. It is kind of it's a lot I

I had to talk about and say, and it's it

was hard to kind of kind of do, but um,

thank you for for watching and hopefully

hope Yeah, thank you for watching.

Everybody, Ben here for the better

podcast. And I'll be honest, I've been

putting this video off for a couple of

weeks. Uh, in fact, I filmed it once

already and didn't really like it. So,

we're redoing it. I wanted to wait. I

wanted to wait. So, the video is going

to be titled All Things Come to an End

or really, it's about All Good Things

Come to an End. And there's some big

changes going on in my life. And I think

it's very appropriate that we have a

little bit of a chat about it.

So yes, sorry this is not particularly

bloodb. This is kind of like a a

personal Ben video, but if you like

Blood Bowl, it's you pay this. Yeah,

there's some stuff for you. So um first

things first, this year has been

horrible

for for me personally. There's been some

lovely stuff. Libbyy's doing really

well. Tiff's doing great. Um and and uh

you know, we've had a lot of fun playing

Blood Bowl and doing some great stuff on

the channel. Like there's been a lot of

things to be really happy about this

year. Um my health has not been one of

them. So, um yeah, had a tough tough old

health year. Happy to say that I'm much

better now, but some things have

definitely definitely got to change. But

what you'll notice for this year is that

we started off really strong but from a

content point of view it's been a little

bit erratic and I want to kind of

address why that is. So those of you

know uh most of the time I work at home

um I am in optimization

and performance like I do workload

forecasting workload measurements uh I

kind of look at processes and go oh

actually there's a different way to do

this or if you do this in a bigger way

it just basically the idea is to make

things less bad for people is how I've

been doing this and I've been doing this

for the company I'm in for nearly 21

years which is mad because I'm only 38.

So, like way over half my life worked

for this company. Um, and it's been

really good to me the last few years

working at home, doing the job I've

done, the job I love. It's spreadsheety

numbers stuff and it's helping people

make things less bad. Come on, could

there be a more Ben job. Um, but the

bigger thing is that it meant that, you

know, I'm right here at home, so when

something interesting drops from a news

point of view, I can get on it and make

a video. But most importantly, it means

that every lunchtime I can make a video

for the channel. Um, and and that was

working brilliantly for years. And

obviously more importantly is that every

time I go make a cup of tea, the girls

are here. So I I got to see Libby and

Tiff and and it's been wicked. Like and

that's kind of something that Tiff and I

were very conscious of. We were like,

"This is really good for us." Like we're

really lucky. We're really blessed. It's

not a word I use a lot, but actually

getting [snorts] to work from home,

getting to see the girls so much, and

getting to make videos at lunchtime.

Very conscious that we were on to a good

thing. And that brings in to the

beginning of the video along the lines

of all good things must come to an end.

As you notice, over the last few months,

I've men not been able to make as much

content. And there's there's two things

for that, although I think the two

things are really one thing. Um,

everybody's job in the world at the

moment is getting harder, right? The

economy is tough. Everything's bad.

Like, I don't want to be a complete

doomer. There's some really great stuff

going on out there, but generally

speaking, it's not it's not it's not, is

it? Uh, everything's getting more

expensive. Companies are having to do

things differently, and everyone's just

significantly more stressed and more

miserable. This is why I think it's so

important that we play more games

because just just world's much better

after you've been [laughter]

sculled out by knuff. Um, [snorts]

so yeah, work has been very full-on

and uh I've been very lucky with my job.

I really enjoy the work, but the

environment, the hustle, the the it's

been unpleasant uh to a level that has

affected my well-being significantly.

So yeah, I don't want to say like, oh,

I've been stressed with work. It's more

that I can't switch my mind off because

there's so much going on, so I don't

sleep. And then if I don't sleep, I get

tired. And then if I get tired,

eventually I just crash out, right?

That's kind of my normal pattern. That's

why I've always had migraines. I kind of

like do loads of stuff and then my body

will go, "Do you know what? Maybe it's

time to take 13 hours to just sit in the

dark and sleep." Fine. Okay. You know

what? That's the price you pay for

running constantly 150% capacity. until

this year where I would be laying there

at nighttime not able to sleep because I

could hear my blood literally hear it

sloshing in my ears like

and um you know being a being a male

from the UK the initial thing you do is

just uh hope it goes away hope you don't

die and everything will be fine then um

then I was hanging out with Libby one

day and I kind of thought to myself I do

I feel I don't feel right My chest feels

tight. I feel I feel rubbish. Uh and

I've got Libby and I got to be an adult.

So I went to the doctors and um that s

that that that was an ordeal. That was

an ordeal. They were really good. Go.

Had to go for this test, that test, ECG,

all kinds of stuff. Um blood pressure,

had to track that. Got a really cool

high score of something like 170 over

100 one day. That was that was pucker.

Um not the kind of high score you want.

Anyway, sorry to meander, but uh

basically uh things were were tough like

everybody. It's tough for everybody and

uh I was doing, you know, filming games

and having fun. Uh hanging out with the

family and then going to work and then

not really being able to switch off from

any of it. Uh if I was with the girls,

I'd be worrying about work. If I was at

work, I'd be worrying about the girls.

And then if I wasn't able to do some

content, I'd be worrying about the

channel. Um, now up until recently, I'd

had it really good where actually I

could go to lunch around about on time.

Maybe one lunch a week would get

rampaged by a late meeting or just poor

time management on behalf of some

people. Um, and then it got to the point

where actually that was every day like

where every day lunch was gone. I was

finishing late. I was getting emails at

sort of like 9:00 at night and then a

prompted message at 8:00 the next

morning sort of saying, "Is this done

yet?"

>> [laughter]

>> to which I'd be looking at my contract

going, well, I finish at 5 and I start

at 9, so [snorts]

no. Um, not very fun. Not very fun. And

that kind of led me to the point where I

was like, I need I need a break. So,

took some time off work, went to the

doctors, got some tablets, uh, you know,

went there. I was like, look, blood

pressure, hear my blood, chest pains,

probably not ideal. And they were like,

yep, no worries. Have some tablets. Took

those tablets, made me worse. the chest

pains and stuff still carried on. I just

felt like rubbish at the same time. Uh

so I I tried it for a few weeks like the

doctor had said and then I I was like

nope this isn't working for me. So went

back to the doctors which again because

the they're so overworked at the moment

took a couple of extra weeks. Uh uh and

went back got some different tablets and

much better absolutely much better which

is fantastic. Like NHS give them props.

they're overworked and this is it. I

guess the message is is everybody's work

is busy. Everybody's work is stressful

and no one's got the time they need to

do everything they want to do. Even if

they want to do a good job, it's not

really possible at the moment. But

anyway, this brings me back right to the

beginning of the video, which is all

things must all good things come to an

end, right? I had it good. work was good

and I could do filming of blood bowl

stuff at lunchtime and still get my job

done and still finish on time to see the

girls and then once a week I could film

some blood bowl with my friends or do a

live stream. Fantastic. Um,

but as everything I've just laid out to

you, the maths don't math anymore. I was

probably running at 110 120 130% most

weeks where I would fill every minute of

every day. Um, which brought around two

things. One, general well-being bad. But

secondly, I meant I was rushing to do

everything. And you guys will know this

if you follow the podcast. Like there'll

be weeks where the podcast doesn't hit

the Podbean and the Spotify thing or or

I won't be able to respond to emails and

stuff just because I'm literally like I

I have I have a small window of time and

that window of time is gone. And this is

something that being a parent is also

quite interesting because that that

exacerbates it. But like imagine you've

got scheduled in at 9:00 a.m. on a

Tuesday to do this thing, but something

else comes in and you don't get time at

9:00 a.m. Tuesday to do that thing and

then the next available time slot is two

Tuesdays in a later. Uh but then so

basically it just means that if if

things don't go perfect, they just don't

get done or they get done poorly, which

then upsets me even more. So, um yes,

basically to summary,

doing the channel and doing work,

uh is is a is is above my threshold to

continue doing and doing in a way that I

can continue to be alive. Uh which is

very important to being able to do

anything really. So, to bring it back

around, all good things must end. Uh I

can't work and do content and be a

family guy all at the same time. So, I

got to look at that and make a very

responsible decision to basically stop

doing one of those things. Now, I'm

awfully fond of my wife and I'm as

equally fond of my daughter. So, got to

keep those.

I really love the channel. I really love

making Blood Bowl content. I really love

wargaming and filming games and sharing

it with you guys and coming up with

great plans and great strategies and

painting cool models. I love that so

much. But that or work have really got

to go. So

work is going.

[laughter]

Whoa, I broke the broke the mic. Uh

yeah, work is going. So um on top of all

the carnage and a healthy layer of the

additional stress is that as all

companies do, they threaten restructures

every couple of years. And

I went through a restructure i.e.

redundancy while I was off on paternity

leave with Libby. Um and uh so because

of that kind of had it in my mind that

that you know going through that while

being off looking after the girls was

not fun and that was not cool. I did not

enjoy that. Uh but got to keep the job,

got to keep doing what we were doing and

that was really great. So liked liked

that bit. We've just been through

another restructure at work uh during

the point where I was off for chest

pains which was again really cool. Um,

and basically

my role is one of the roles they were

like, "We don't really know what you

do." Uh, so we're going to change your

role to this other thing if you'd like

to apply. Uh, and basically I I looked

at it. I looked at TIFF and I looked at

our plans and I said, "Actually, I don't

really want to apply for that. Um, the

job is horrible now. I love the company

and I love a lot of the people I work

with, but I'm

just it's just not not not good for me

uh and my wellbeing. So, we're going to

do something different. Now, luckily, I

am a grand strategist at heart and a

blood bowl player, right? And what do

you do in Blood Bowl? You plan, you fail

your case, right? What happens if this

goes wrong? What happens if this goes

wrong? And this is going to be one of

those situations where I'm very glad

I've planned because I kind of knew

something would go wrong which gives me

options which I again blessed. And what

that means is I've got a plan and I can

do content and YouTube and games for a

good year

and not worry about work. And this is

something that I cannot believe I get to

do. Basically, in my job, you get to 25

years, you get 6 months paid leave.

That's your reward for getting 25 years.

I know 21 years, so I didn't get that

far. But I kind of said, look, my goal

was to get to 25 years, take six months

off, write some books, and then never go

back to work again. Well, that

timeline's been pushed forward. Uh, and

now I get to take that time off now,

write those books, make those games, and

see what happens. And this is one of

those things where yeah, I've I've I've

been well nihilistic and I knew that we

would go through something like this. So

Tiff and I have planned appropriately.

So we'll have plenty of things that we

can eat for a while, which is wonderful.

But this is my if this is my six plus

roll. Okay, this is the This probably

won't work. It probably won't. But I can

take the shot. I can roll that dice. And

if I get a six, I get to roll it again

and I get to have a great time doing it.

Now, this is me basically saying I'm

going full-time on YouTube from from

now, from today really. I know like as

this video goes out, I no longer work

for the company I currently work for.

Uh, and

my real goal is first is kind of like

July is when I'm going to I need to take

a bit of time off to get my head

straight, but been working on some

things which is going to be cool. So,

yes, I'm going to go full-time content

for a while, and that's going to do a

couple of things. One, it's going to

give me time to do things properly. I

get to edit better. I don't get I don't

have to rush editing on my lunch breaks

or when a meeting is canceled. If a

video, if I need to do a video, I I I

don't It's not one and done like I've

got 17 minutes, go. It's okay, I can do

that video, and if it's rubbish, I get

to redo it. Or I get to try things. I

get to test things. I get to remember to

put the podcast out on the Spotify feed.

I get to reply to people because there's

so many of you out there who've sent

messages and I've just not been able to

respond. And I'll be super honest. I'm a

bit of a socially anxious person anyway.

So, it gets to the point I'm like, "Ah,

right. I need to reply to that person."

And then it's June and then you're like,

"Well, now I feel awful and now I just

need to not remember. I just need to

forget that cuz I've screwed that up."

I'm hoping to live in a world where I

don't have to go through that anymore.

And that fills me with excitement. So,

thank you so much for listening to me

ramble. I didn't really know how to say

this. I didn't really know. I didn't

know. I don't know. This is uncharted

territory for me, but

we're going to give this a go. So, I'm

going to be going fulltime for content

so that I can write my books and make

some great YouTube videos and hang out

with you guys playing other games. Uh,

this video is going out after we've

kicked off our Kings of War content.

Now, Kings of War has been something

I've been brewing up on my lunch breaks,

and it should have launched a while ago,

but because I, you know, had that whole

Trixie heart problem. Uh, it didn't. So,

now seems like a really good time to

launch it. And with being off fulltime

soon, I can hopefully continue that. Um,

this is just start thinking about stuff

you want to see me and the guys cover

because we've got a lot of cool stuff

coming up and we're going to be weighing

into the members and the Patreons to

help us choose what games you want to

see us play and and do some really,

really, really fun stuff together.

So yeah, thanks to the support that you

guys have shown over the last six, seven

years and the help of my friends like

Trips and Ben and Ian and Craig and Sam

and and everybody who's helped us and

Kaijen Chicken and Prim just for being

absolute legends. Like there's a ton of

you that I don't get to spend enough

time with and I don't get to show my

appreciation enough. Um, and now I've

got the opportunity to do that. And

thanks to the support you guys have

given us, I get a chance. I get a

chance. I get a shot at my dream job.

And I don't really know what that looks

like. I don't really know how to get

there. All I know is that I've got a

shot to try and figure it out. Like,

it's it's it's a shot. We've seen it on

the channel. like you can be 2-0 down at

Halime and you can still win that game.

And thanks to all of you guys for

supporting us in all the ways you have.

I I get a chance to win this game and I

may not and that's okay, but I get a

chance to play and that

it's the happiest I've been in an

incredibly long time. I said to Tiff, I

finally get to be who I want to be. Uh,

which is terrifying and exciting.

Anyway, I'm going to wrap up. Thank you

ever so much for watching. We'll be back

soon with all sorts of content. Happy

blocking.