The No Contact Rule Won't Bring An Ex Back. This Will.

So if you've gone through a breakup and you've searched for relationship advice,

there's a high chance that you've come across what they call the No Contact Rule.

The No Contact Rule is when you cut off all communication with your ex partner.

And the idea is that the No Contact Rule allows you to heal, but it

also makes your partner miss you.

The problem is with the No Contact Rule is that it is very poor relationship

advice and actually doesn't achieve what it sets out to achieve.

So in this video, I'm gonna break down why the No Contact Rule is

really not gonna help your situation, whichever way you look at it.

Then I'm gonna break down what we call the low contact rule, which

is gonna help you longer term, and also increase your chances of

reconciling with your ex-partner.

So I've spoken about this before, so I'm not gonna jump into it too much.

I'll leave a couple of links down below to go into depth, into the No Contact Rule.

But ultimately, the No Contact Rule is this idea of cutting off

communication with your ex-partner in order to help you heal, as well

as trying to get your partner to draw closer to you in order to reconcile.

there's a lot of people online that are selling this idea of the No Contact

Rule, saying that this is the magical fix to get your ex-partner back.

But honestly, the truth is, as you may have found, if you've tried

it, it can be pretty manipulative and actually very, very weak.

The problem is, is that it basically ignores your ex-partner completely

hoping that they'll miss you, or hoping that they'll come running back to you.

And this is kind of a silent treatment and ultimately creates a lot of

negative feedback loops, these are negative feedback loops within yourself

or negative feedback loops within your partner and the relationship.

Because ultimately what happens is the less you talk, the more frustration and

misunderstanding builds up on both sides.

And ultimately, as a lot of my members have found before they work with me, is

that it can make things way worse, thing is no contact can feel like power, but

ultimately it's actually quite weak.

It really ends up just avoiding a situation that's challenging

and oftentimes responsibility.

And the thing is, is that instead of working on your growth

or fixing the relationship.

It just ends up shutting down communication, and that's

not healthy for anyone.

There is no good relationship advice out there that will tell you

to close communication completely unless you are in physical danger.

There is no relationship that will be fixed by cutting off communication

But the thing is, is that the opposite side of things is also unhealthy,

which is where a lot of people who can talk about no contact can

actually have some good points, right?

No contact and full contact are two extremes.

Both of them are very unhealthy.

If you think of no contact with your ex-partner and full contact, this

is kind of two ends of a spectrum.

On one end, no contact is zero communication, which oftentimes can

feel cold and can block any real healing connection or progress within yourself.

But on the other end, you've got full contact and that is

constantly talking neediness, not allowing any old wounds to heal.

This is constantly trying to push yourself into your partner's space in order to

stop them from moving on or being able to process the breakup as an example.

And more often than not, this leads to emotional chaos or even dependency.

So both no contact and full contact are gonna be really unhealthy in a breakup.

both extremes are unhealthy because they don't really allow space for

true self-reflection or growth.

Too much contact more often than not, drags you back into old patterns.

And this is where a lot of people go to the extreme of no contact because they're

like, well, I don't wanna fall into the same toxic pattern that I was in before.

So I'm just gonna pull myself away.

But the problem is, is that it doesn't work that way, too little context

can just as much fuel resentment or confusion within the relationship.

So if both extremes are unhealthy.

What is the alternative?

Well, the alternative is low contact.

This is a healthy middle ground.

So low contact is a much smarter, much emotionally healthy choice.

It means that you are still in communication.

You're not pulling away communication, but you're doing it intentionally

and doing it more deliberately.

But most importantly, it means.

Shifting your focus away from trying to get your ex back and

instead onto taking ownership of your part in the relationship.

And this is the crucial thing here, is you know, when it comes to no contact,

it is based on one outcome to try to push your partner to come back to you.

And oftentimes.

Because no contact doesn't really help.

They end up swinging to full contact and then maybe getting pushed back and then

end up going back and forth, back and forth between no contact and full contact.

And you develop a new cycle of this push pull, hot, cold

relationship with your partner.

So if you are going through a breakup, full contact and no contact are equally

problematic and are gonna cause more distance between you both ultimately.

So what is the low contact rule?

Well, the first step in following the low contact rule is.

To set clear expectations and clear up any misunderstandings.

So this is where you start by being honest, by letting your

ex-partner know what you are doing, not in a dramatic or heavy way,

but in an honest, responsible way.

So the goal here isn't to control the situation or to forcibly create

distance as some sort of punishment.

It's to reduce pressure to lower the emotional intensity and to take

accountability for, your growth.

So this ultimately is where you're being honest with your partner and you're

saying something to the effect of.

Hey, I really wanna be upfront, uh, I'm gonna take a little bit of a step back

from maybe how often we talk, not because I'm angry or I'm trying to play some sort

of psychological game, but because I've noticed some of the ways that I've been

showing up, being reactive, judgmental maybe even putting pressure on you.

And I really wanna work on that.

I've got a lot of things that I wanna work on.

I wanna learn how to handle my emotions better and communicate in a healthier way.

So for just a short amount of time, I'm gonna take a little bit of a

step back, but I wanna let you know that I'm not cutting off contact

and I still want to talk with you.

But let me know your thought.

What this does is this does two important things.

It sets expectations clearly that you're not gonna be talking as much,

and it's intentional, but it also clears up any misinterpretation.

So they don't assume that you are trying to pull the No Contact Rule and failing

at it, or you're punishing them, or you're giving them the silent treatment or

playing some sort of psychological game.

This in itself shows emotional maturity.

It shows that you are willing to take accountability and

building self-awareness.

Showing that you are ultimately thinking of the relationship and

you are not bullshitting yourself in that you have changed completely as

a person in the past couple of weeks.

What this does is it starts to shift the dynamic from this sort of tension, and

over time it starts to build some trust.

But this alone isn't gonna change things completely, but it does

lower the odds of triggering some defensiveness or anger in your ex-partner.

And this is key if there's any hope for future reconnection.

And step two is to follow through to make sure that you

are keeping conversations neutral, brief, and emotionally safe.

I talk a lot on the channel about emotional safety and

how important it is for.

Uh, to build in a relationship.

So once you've set these expectations, the next step is managing the actual

style and tone of your communication.

So this part is about creating emotional safety for both you and

your ex. So no trauma dumping.

You know, this is one of the problems that a lot of people think is that

this idea of vulnerability and being emotionally in touch with yourself

is dumping all of your trauma and pain and shame and guilt and anger.

Onto your partner, but that is the opposite of emotional, maturity.

I've done a deeper dive on vulnerability, which I'll link to up above and

in the description down below.

But this is the time to start showing up as someone who is emotionally

in charge of their own emotions.

This includes not being passive aggressive.

Not pulling your partner back into drama or guilting them or pressuring

them into talking with you or telling you why they broke up with you.

By doing this, you're not shutting down your feelings.

A lot of people think that this is some kind of, closing off.

You're not shutting down your feelings.

You're just learning how to regulate them.

Contain them and choosing the right time and place to process them processing your

emotions is so crucial during this time.

Talking with yourself, a friend, a coach, but not dumping it on your ex,

not dumping all of this trauma pain and sadness and putting it onto your

ex to process these feelings for you.

This is gonna be emotionally quite a tough time.

And if you've been broken up with, there's a chance that because it has

been so emotionally volatile that maybe you've got into a pattern of pushing

all your emotions onto your ex-partner and leaving it up to them to process

them for you or to make you feel better.

So now is the time to start learning how to process them yourself so that

you are not putting that work that you should do onto other people.

So making sure these conversations are brief and purposeful.

You don't need to ghost your partner or be cold, but your messages should

have a clear reason for existing.

Ask yourself before you are texting or calling, what is

the purpose of this message?

This is something that is so crucial during a breakup.

So many times people try to manufacture.

Contact and they start a conversation, but they don't have any purpose.

So it'll just be like, Hey, or how are you doing?

Or what have you been up to?

This is very low value conversation.

If you are trying to rebuild a connection with your ex, if, every

time you show up, you are just providing low level communication.

This is not gonna bring them back.

They're not gonna wanna come back to you if you're having these

very low value conversations.

So ask yourself, what is the purpose of this message?

Is this to solve a real world thing?

You know, if you have kids together for example, is this, something

that is beneficial for both of you?

Or is it just to soothe your own emotions if that's why you're reaching out?

So think purposeful.

Make sure that you're using communication during this time for practical things,

logistics, shared responsibilities.

There's nothing wrong with a brief check-in, but again,

this can be with purpose.

Hey, I remember that you said that you had the doctor's appointment on

Thursday, and I just wanted to let you know if you need anything, I'm here.

I'll probably text you afterwards just to make sure, but I just wanted

to let you know that I'm here if you need That is very neutral.

It's very deliberate, and it's also not putting on any

pressure for them to respond.

This is not a time to say.

I miss you so much.

Do you even care that we're not talking right now?

Do you even care about me?

You said you loved me, so how could you give up on us so easily?

and tone matters.

The low contact rule means that you're keeping the emotional thermostat set to.

Whatever the middle of a thermostat is.

You're not cold, you're not robotic, but you're not overly warm.

You're not flirting.

Think about it as polite, grounded, friendly, but measured.

So avoid sarcasm or emotional digs or jabs even if you feel hurt.

Don't fish for validation or test them with guilt or silence.

Don't send messages that are like, just saw this and thought of you.

This is not low contact.

This is emotional bait.

This is trying to get some sort of reaction from them,

and most of all, don't engage in emotional spirals.

Pause before you responded.

If they send something that is, you know, emotional or they're

blaming you or they're upset with you or confusing, pause first.

Before you send any response, take a breath.

This is your chance to practice emotional regulation in real time.

Ask yourself, is this worth responding to right now?

Can I respond calmly or should I wait until I've had a bit

of time to ground myself?

Am I responding from responsibility or from reactivity?

And you don't have to respond straight away.

You can say something along the lines of, Hey, just wanna

let you know that I got it.

I appreciate you sharing that.

I wanna make sure that I respond well, so I'm gonna take a little

bit of time to think about it.

I know that I can be quite reactive, so I wanna learn to respond rather than react.

This helps you to model maturity and it sets a new tone for how you want

communication to feel going forward.

So during this time, make sure you're thinking in terms of

safety, not strategy, right?

So the No Contact Rule can often be very strategic, trying to get someone

to do something, trying to force them to see you in a different way.

But I want you to start throwing that idea of strategy out the window when

you are trying to think tactically about how to get your ex back.

It paints your partner as a chess piece on a board, someone to be controlled

and manipulated into coming back to you.

What happens is that if you do manage to reconcile through doing this, not

only do you reinforce to yourself this idea that people are someone to be

manipulated into acting in a certain way.

But you're also building a relationship with a partner who's never gonna

be able to see the real you because you're not being authentic to yourself.

If you want a partner to come back to you, it's much more effective

to earn a place back in their life.

By growing so much that they see a new version of you, a better

version of you, and they choose to come back to you, right?

Them having the full autonomy to make that choice for themselves

is an earned reconciliation.

But if you are playing games and you are trying to push them into doing

something that they don't wanna do right now, then it's not really earned.

You've kind of cheated your way into a result.

So

if you wanna earn reconciliation, the No Contact Rule is not really gonna

help you in this place, despite the fact that it may get you a short term win.

So this.

Low contact rule isn't about being less available so that they chase you.

It's about creating stability, a stable space between you and your

ex-partner, where both people can breathe, can think, and can grow

in order to heal a connection.

It needs to be a calmer foundation than before.

And if they reach out emotionally, you don't need to mirror that.

You can hold the tone steady and if things do start to escalate.

You can use the heat method, which is a video that I've done a deep

dive on to deescalate situations.

Whilst you are learning better tools to communicate with, I'll link to it up

above and in the description down below.

This is a perfect tool to learn for.

If the conversation starts to get tense or dramatic or starts to spiral into

old patterns, you can respectfully take a step back and just listen.

So definitely check out that video.

This step alone helps to build in you emotional regulation, clear

thinking, under stress, and a healthy, more attractive presence.

And this really, really matters if you are reconciling with your partner.

The next step is the exciting part, which is shifting the focus to

you, your growth, your patterns, and your personal responsibility.

So this is the most important part of the low contact rule.

It's not just about texting less, it's about following through with

what you say you're gonna do.

It's about what you do with this space that low contact gives you.

Because the real goal here isn't to win your ex back, it's to win yourself back.

Now that's may sound a bit cheesy, but this is ultimately turning the

spotlight inward and taking what we call radical responsibility

for your part in the dynamic.

This is not about blame.

It's not about taking all the blame.

This is also not about feeling shame, but this is about taking ownership.

So chances are when you go through a breakup, you can hopefully do

some self-reflection and take a look at your part of the dynamic.

Every relationship on this planet has a dynamic.

Every relationship between two people is a feedback loop.

It's either headed in a good direction or headed in a bad direction.

And we all play a part in it.

So owning your part is gonna be crucial.

It can be really tempting after a breakup to obsess over what they

did wrong, what your partner did wrong, how they screwed you, how they

shouldn't have cheated, or how they shouldn't have, moved on so quickly.

How they shouldn't be exploring other relationships right now.

About how they shouldn't be happy.

They shouldn't be enjoying themself or how to get their attention, but

this alone keeps you in reaction mode.

Low contact.

The low contact rule gives you the space to start asking deeper, bit scarier,

but more powerful questions like, what was I bringing into the relationship?

How did I respond to stress?

How did I respond to triggers and the way that I felt?

What emotional tools do I not have yet that I wanna build?

Where did I give up my power by trying to control my ex? These difficult questions

are what create actual transformation and healthy relationships later on.

And this is where you start mapping your emotional patterns.

Breakup is a great time to identify your emotional defaults.

The things that you do when you feel scared, when you feel nervous, when you

feel unseen, rejected, or out of control.

And we all have them.

This is the most human thing on this planet, but most people never slow down

enough to actually see these patterns.

And they're all really common ones.

People pleasing or over-explaining.

Pulling away and shutting down when you feel nervous or you feel scared or

you feel like they're gonna leave you.

Getting reactive or argumentative.

Trying to force your partner to feel something differently.

Low contact gives you the room to pause these behaviors and

start learning healthier ones.

So during this time, you're not just giving space, you are studying yourself

like a scientist and saying, okay, how do I usually cope with discomfort?

And is it working?

Does it really help the patterns that I've got myself into?

Does it help me to build a strong relationship?

And during this time, make sure that you are focusing on skill

building, not just self-reflection.

So growth isn't just about journaling or thinking, right?

That's easy.

You could journal all day every day and barely make any progress.

This is also about learning actual tools.

If you want to build a better relationship, if you wanna show up

as the partner that you wanna be, you need better skills, you know?

It doesn't have to be that scary.

It doesn't have to be that world ending to learn some more skills, There are

a lot of areas that you can grow in emotional regulation, how to stay

grounded when you feel triggered.

Conflict resolution, how to disagree with someone without losing that connection.

understanding your emotional patterns, self-trust, making deliberate

choices based on values, not on fear.

Think of it like this.

You're not trying to prove to your ex that you've changed.

You are actually doing the work of actually changing, right?

This is very, very simple.

This doesn't mean that it's easy, but it is simple.

And in this way, when you are actually changing for a while,

they may not see that change.

But if you are changing and you are changing so much that it becomes

undeniable, Then that is the turning point for reconciliation

because if you are changing for you.

If you're putting in this work and effort, even if they're saying

don't do it, even if they're saying, don't bother, I'm not interested.

If you are doing it for you, that is the most powerful thing that you can

do because you are actually taking back your own agency and saying, I'm not

doing this in order to get you back.

I'm doing this because I really want to change.

I wanna be a better person.

And again, this isn't saying this verbally.

You're not telling them, I'm not doing this for you, but this is internal.

Changing because you value changing.

Investing in yourself 'cause that's what this is.

And this means reclaiming your identity outside of the relationship.

You know, it can be really easy to lose yourself in a relationship, especially

if you tend to, you know, over-function.

Overthink people please, low contact is the perfect time to reconnect with the

parts of you that may have gone quiet.

Right, and again, this isn't about cutting off all contacts and just going

out with your mates having a drink.

This is about reconnecting with the things that you love doing while still

being able to be in contact with your partner still, because when you do have

those moments of reconnection, when you talk, you are slowly building back who

you are outside of the relationship.

And this is still creating a space for your partner.

This is not falling for this illusion that you are some lone wolf.

This is still rebuilding yourself back whilst building a space to have

a partner in the future, Just because you build independence doesn't mean

that you don't have space for a partner and start asking yourself, you know,

What do I love doing that I stop doing?

What hobbies?

What passions?

What interests light me up?

Who am I when I'm not performing for someone else?

This isn't about distracting yourself from a breakup.

This is about reclaiming your wholeness and remembering who

you are without the relationship.

This way, you are finding the things that you are enjoying,

that you are passionate about.

You are also acknowledging that you have a lot of growth to do

in terms of relationship skills.

And you're turning yourself into someone who can build a healthier

relationship in the future.

And during this time, the most crucial thing is to start embracing feedback.

So there's gonna be a lot of feedback that's gonna be hard to hear.

Your ex may have given you some feedback.

They may continue to give you some feedback during this time.

I'm telling you that you don't listen, that you were an asshole.

You treated me like, shit, you made me feel terrible.

You shut down, you get defensive.

You try to control everything.

This is your chance to really take on this feedback without reacting to it.

The thing is, most people reject feedback because it hurts their ego, right?

It's, a normal feeling, but feedback.

Is one of the best things that you can receive.

It takes a long time to get used to it, but the way that you can skyrocket

your growth is through feedback.

So when your ex-partner is laying into you all pistons at a hundred percent, 99%

of people will get defensive, will get.

We'll say, no, you are wrong.

Or, you know, can't believe you're telling me that, or, that's so hurtful.

But the thing is, during low contact, if you learn the skill of listening

to feedback, you're building the emotional distance to be able to start

looking at it more objectively without trying to prove or fix anything.

And that's really powerful.

So this not only benefits you because you're learning where your

blind spots could be, or you know.

Getting direct feedback as to what skills you can be building during this time.

But it's also really powerful to your partner because they get to see that you

are changing because you're not getting defensive or trying to speak over them.

But it also builds the emotional safety that is crucial for relationships,

the space for partners to be able to express their feelings without negative

consequences, which is one of the foundational elements of relationships.

I talk a lot about this with my members.

It's one of the most crucial concepts you can learn with relationships,

especially if you're trying to reconci.

If you do wanna deeper dive into these relationship elements, then

join my Relationship Bootcamp.

where you'll learn those same fundamental core aspects of relationships that all my

members start with if you're finding this video useful so far, you'll definitely

find the Relationship Bootcamp useful.

So click on the link in the description if you wanna grab a spot.

But feedback is really, really powerful.

You know, instead of jumping in and saying, that's not true,

you are like, you are unfair.

This is really hurtful.

Ask yourself, what if there's some truth in what they're saying and

what if this is something that I really, actually need to work on.

You know, this doesn't mean that all feedback is 100% accurate, but learning

to take the point from the feedback and separating it out from the emotion

that it may be presented with is gonna be really powerful because you're

learning, well, my partner's really hurt, and also I can do way better at

listening, This benefits you ultimately, but it also benefits your partner.

Even painful or exaggerated criticism usually points to a

pattern that's worth exploring.

And you can reflect on this, where have I maybe heard this before

from other people in my life?

What's the part of what they're saying that I secretly know is true?

But I haven't really wanted to face up to, What does this feedback teach me about how

I show up under stress or during conflict?

This is where personal responsibility becomes real, not performative, not

people pleasing, just being able to.

Be grounded and honest and have an honest willingness to grow.

Because ultimately during this time, if you think of growth as the goal and

reconnection as the optional outcome, the secret is, is that the more that you grow,

the more options you end up creating.

As you grow as a person, you get more choices in terms of career, in terms of

relationships, in terms of friendships, in terms of opportunities in life.

The more you grow, the more you have an opportunity to reconnect with your

ex in a whole new way, a healthier way, and a way that can rebuild attraction.

Or you might attract a completely new connection that you want to,

pursue, but whatever happens, you win because you didn't spend all that time

waiting or chasing or manipulating.

You spent it building, there's this whole idea of no contact,

it doesn't focus on growth.

It focuses on actually quite a lazy way to reconnect with somebody.

Because it doesn't focus on earning a reconciliation.

It focuses on trying to cheat your way there, right?

It's kind of like steroids, You can work out and build a good body, a

healthy, strong body through natural means, through hard work and grit.

And be proud of yourself.

Or you can take steroids, you can take human growth hormone, you can take

ozempic, and you can cheat you either.

The problem is, is that as soon as you stop using those tactics, guess what?

Your body's gonna go back to exactly the same way as before.

Because you're not learning the healthy diet.

You're not learning the discipline to work out.

You're not learning the hard lessons that are required to build a sustained outcome.

And this is the difference, no contact may feel powerful.

It may feel like a smart thing to do, but the fact is, is that you get caught out.

It causes more problems.

Every single member that has started with no contact has had to work longer

to reconcile a relationship because of the damage that no contact does.

Whereas low contact is the best of both worlds.

You get to focus on your growth whilst not trying to manipulate

someone to come back to you.

So that is the low contact rule in a nutshell.

It's the best middle ground.

And you know, a lot of people during this time will say, well, my ex is

performing the No Contact Rule on me.

They're trying to manipulate me.

They're trying to push me because they're cutting off all contact.

Chances are that your partner is probably in self-protection mode.

I've done a deeper dive video on this, on understanding why a partner breaks up

with you and then cuts off all contact now this may feel like that's it.

It's over.

They've blocked me on all social media.

That's it.

A lot of members that I've worked with have gone through the same thing, and it

all comes down to how you use this time.

Understanding deeply why your partner may have cut off contact at this time will

actually counterintuitively help you when the chance to reconnect comes up again.

So don't miss this opportunity to learn from this situation, I'm

not gonna go into it here 'cause it's already a long enough video.

So I'm gonna leave you with that deep dive video and I'll see you over there.