Full Transcript

How Do They Judge This!? New Sports

7:41820 summary words · ~4 min readEnglishBy Ozzy Man ReviewsTranscribed Jul 14, 2026

Analyze another video with Pro30-day money-back guarantee

Summary

The video tours bizarre 'new to me' sports—from water jousting to competitive massaging—to laugh at how absurd and unexplained their judging often is, while plugging a charity cricket event.

It exposes how many niche sports have unclear or unregulated scoring, which matters if you ever try to follow, judge, or join one.

Section summaries

Intro and water jousting

watch

The host opens by saying he reviews 'new sports' meaning new to him, not newly invented. He shows water jousting, which he admits is medieval and centuries old but 'new' because he just found it. He calls it slow until suddenly not, and compares it loosely to interspecies eating and giant paddle tennis before concluding it is fun.

'New' is defined as newly discovered by the host
Water jousting is old but framed as a fresh find

Sets the video's ironic definition of 'new sports'

Combo sports and gross novelty acts

optional

He runs through hybrid sports: tennis baseball for unfocused players, unicycle hockey needing skill, shopping trolley soccer allegedly invented by drunks, professional bog scuba, and competitive snuffing with tobacco up the nose after 'wood plank salon.' He ends the bit wanting to go to the pub, framing these as silly male pastimes.

Many sports are drunk-car-park-style remixes of existing ones
Competitive snuffing is presented as a stress outlet for odd jobs

Rapid joke list with no deep point

Chess boxing to toe wrestling

watch

Chess boxing alternates combat with a chess round where opponents 'strengthen each other's brains.' He then pivots to toe wrestling, naming competitors Twinkle Toes and Bunion Buster, and questions on replay whether green nail polish is regulation. The bit mocks both violence and pettiness of rules.

Chess boxing pairs brain and brawn rounds
Toe wrestling raises absurd uniform-regulation questions

Good example of his judging-confusion theme

Skate extremes and lumberjack growth

optional

He marvels at a 'fifth dimensional' nose-grind skateboard trick, then pitches extreme sitting as Tony Hawk's Pro Sitting. Combat lumberjacking is called a great growth sector, and tech bros' robot combat lumberjacking is said to be 'already a thing' that will probably do well, though he doubts it. The segment blends hype with self-correction.

Extreme sitting merges flips with sitting still
Robot lumberjacking hype is immediately doubted by host

Entertaining but repeats the remix pattern

Charity cricket and dunk event

watch

The host invites Perth viewers to a November 16 backyard cricket match with pro cricketers for the Pirate Ship Foundation fighting childhood brain cancer. He asks non-locals to donate via Dunk Aussie Man on Shout for Good, targets 20 grand, and says survivor Spencer will dunk him in an icy tank, footage in Destination F'd vol 43. This is the only non-sports-comedy call to action.

20k goal for childhood brain cancer research
Spencer, a survivor, will dunk the host on camera

Contains the real actionable cause in the video

British ironing and Japanese oddities

watch

Extreme ironing and shin kicking are credited to the same British inventive culture he finds unimpressive, especially after tomato slingshot dodgeball and three-handed wall tennis. He then highlights Japan's constant activity invention, including hacky sack into pants and competitive apologizing where the real strength is saying sorry, not the flips.

Extreme ironing traced to British 'preserve this culture' joke
Competitive apologizing values the apology over athletic flips

Introduces the apology-sport insight and cultural contrast

Massage judging and entry costs

watch

He asks how competitive massaging is judged—same pain level? vertebrae straightened? gas pops?—and why so many lanyard judges exist, suspecting unregulated chaos. He then argues barrier to entry is high for sperm racing (astronomical tech, sample sourcing) and chili eating (sauce, bowel WD40, toilet paper), but massaging is easy: 'two hands and baby oil.' The segment closes the judging mystery by inviting masseuse comments.

Massaging lacks clear judging criteria per host
Sperm racing has impossible startup logistics vs easy massage

Core of the 'how do they judge this' question

Outro and gamble jab

skip

He thanks viewers for the foray into contemporary sports and signs off with a joke that there are many new ways to gamble online and lose money, undercutting the whole tour as absurd consumerism. Music ends the video.

Closes by comparing new sports to online gambling loss

Short sign-off with no new information

Key points

New means new to the host — The host defines 'new sports' as anything he recently discovered, including centuries-old water jousting, not genuinely invented disciplines.
Many new sports are remixes — Sports like tennis baseball, unicycle hockey, and shopping trolley soccer combine familiar games with absurd twists or equipment.
Judging is often a mystery — For competitive massaging the host questions how pain levels, vertebrae straightening, or judge counts are standardized, and asks viewers to explain.
Barrier to entry varies wildly — Sperm racing needs astronomical tech and sample logistics, while competitive massaging needs only 'two hands and baby oil.'

“This is fifth dimensional skateboarding. X times Y times Z times time itself.” — Host

“The true power of the sport is in the apology.” — Host

AI-generated from the transcript. May contain errors.

0:00

Hey young legends, today we're reviewing

0:01

new sports. By new, I mean new to me.

0:05

This is water jousting. It's medieval,

0:07

it's old. Oh, in he goes.

0:10

Surely it's been around for centuries,

0:12

but I only just found out about it. So,

0:14

that means it's new. It's a very slow

0:16

sport until it isn't. [ __ ] Look,

0:19

maybe it's not as exciting as

0:20

interspecies competitive eating or the

0:23

stranger lure of gigantic single paddle

0:25

tennis, but nah, it's it's fun. It's

0:28

fun.

0:29

See you, wouldn't want to be you. A lot

0:31

of new sports are combinations of

0:33

existing sports like tennis baseball,

0:36

which is baseball for erratic wankers

0:38

like me who struggle to focus. Or

0:41

unicycle hockey, which admittedly must

0:43

require a metric [ __ ] ton of skill and

0:46

coordination, but at the end of the day

0:48

is still a group of growing men riding

0:50

around on unicycles. Shopping trolley

0:53

soccer, there's a blocky bloke sport.

0:55

There's no way it wasn't invented by a

0:57

bunch of drunkards in the car park after

0:59

going to the pub. Ball. Number 11

1:01

scores. Bloody Haaland, eat your heart

1:04

out. Professional bog scuba. Scoobering

1:07

in a bog, a bog of eternal stench that

1:11

you shall scoober in. And look, maybe

1:13

beneath the water lies amazing sights

1:15

unseen by most mortal eyes, or maybe

1:18

it's just gross. Not as gross as

1:20

competitive snuffing. This is just Oh,

1:23

it's a lot of tobacco to put up your

1:24

snozzer. I mean, I get it. After a hard

1:27

day of wood plank salon, you're on edge.

1:30

You could use a smoker. It's a hard

1:32

sport this one, and you're responsible

1:34

for the income of a lot of people, so

1:36

you need that outlet in which you snuff

1:39

the tobacco. Whatever, can we just go to

1:41

the pub? Cheers, lads. Chess boxing. So,

1:44

this is very much the same as other

1:46

classic combat sports such as disco

1:49

soccer and pro spanking. Except after

1:52

the first round, you sit down, you play

1:54

some [ __ ] chess. You talk to your

1:56

opponent. You say, "You know what, let's

1:58

quit bashing each other's brains in, and

2:00

let's strengthen each other's brains

2:02

with chess." Or we can go back to the

2:04

pub, and we can watch some plain old

2:06

run-of-the-mill [ __ ] toe wrestling.

2:09

That's right, toe wrestling. Oh yeah,

2:11

off they go. [ __ ] twinkle toes versus

2:13

bunion buster. Twinkle toes won that.

2:16

Although, on the replay, I do have to

2:18

question the green nail polish. Is it

2:20

regulation or not? Okay, skateboarding

2:23

mixed with skateboarding. Wowee, that's

2:25

a nose grind on top of a nose grind.

2:28

This guy's board just ollied its own

2:30

ollie. This is fifth dimensional

2:32

skateboarding. X times Y times Z times

2:35

time itself. I have never seen anything

2:38

like this. It might be a bit rich for

2:39

me. I need some classic 90s skate vibes,

2:43

but with a twist, actually, which is

2:45

where extreme sitting comes into it.

2:48

[ __ ] yes, kicky bam down. Spinny flippy

2:51

into a power stance. Look at all these

2:54

[ __ ] flippy spinny tricks coupled

2:56

with the timeless passion of sitting on

2:58

your ass. This is so good, it should get

3:00

its own video game franchise. Come on,

3:03

Neversoft. Tony Hawk's pro sitting is

3:06

the franchise that could put you back on

3:08

top. I mean, it's not as cool as, let's

3:12

say, combat lumberjacking. This is a

3:13

great new growth sector. Like, yeah,

3:16

nothing's as cool as this. Look at that.

3:20

Oh, wowee, even tech bros are getting in

3:22

on it creating robot combat

3:24

lumberjacking. That's already a thing,

3:27

and it's going to yeah, it's going to do

3:29

well for a lot of people, I reckon.

3:31

Isn't it? Probably not. It's just me

3:33

watching it. Okey-dokey, I'm cool with

3:35

that as well. Hey legends, or if you're

3:37

in Perth on November 16th, come along to

3:39

the ultimate backyard cricket match.

3:41

I'll be partaking in the match along

3:43

with some pro cricketers, and we're

3:46

basically raising funds for the Pirate

3:48

Ship Foundation, which is a

3:50

not-for-profit organization that puts a

3:52

lot of money into researching childhood

3:54

brain cancer. If you'd like to partake

3:56

in the event and you're not in Perth,

3:58

then please, please, please go to the

4:00

webpage Dunk Aussie Man on the Shout for

4:02

Good website. I'll put that link in the

4:04

post description below, and give

4:06

generously. Make it my Christmas present

4:08

from you to me to donate to this cause.

4:11

I'm going to get dunked in an icy cold

4:14

tank by a kid called Spencer who has

4:16

survived aggressive brain cancer. So,

4:19

yeah, bloody help Spencer dunk me, and

4:22

we want to raise 20 grand for that,

4:23

which I think is fair. If you want to

4:25

see my nipples go rock hard, 20 grand is

4:28

is worth it. I'll put it in like

4:30

Destination F'd volume 43. I'll put the

4:33

footage in that episode of me getting

4:35

dunked. So, yeah, the links are below in

4:37

the post description. Go check it out.

4:39

Cheers. Extreme ironing, that's a thing

4:41

from the same inventive [ __ ] that

4:43

brought you the ancient cultural pastime

4:45

of shin kicking. Yeah, I guess this is

4:48

the British culture everyone's trying to

4:50

preserve.

4:52

Oh, wow. Wow, now it's impressive. He's

4:54

doing it mid rock climb. Okay, I'm not

4:57

really feeling it, to be honest,

4:58

especially after watching tomato

5:00

slingshot dodgeball and three-handed

5:02

one-man wall tennis.

5:04

Oh, Japan, they invent activities all

5:06

the time. Look at that one. He hacky

5:08

sacked into some pants. Oh, competitive

5:10

apologizing. Look at his ability to

5:12

acknowledge his shortcomings and say

5:14

sorry. That's the real test of strength

5:17

in this sport. All the sick flippy spins

5:19

are just a bonus, something for the

5:21

fans. But yeah, no, no, no, no, yeah,

5:22

the true power of the sport is in the

5:24

apology. Woah, it's like a perfect

5:27

dismount. There it is. Perhaps the

5:28

hottest new sport on the planet though

5:30

is competitive massaging. How do you

5:32

judge it though? Does every [ __ ]

5:34

come in with the same level of muscle

5:36

pain and you need to sort them out? Or

5:37

like, is it based on how many vertebrae

5:40

a masseuse can straighten or how many of

5:41

those gas bubble pocket things go

5:44

pop? Like, yeah. And why are there so

5:46

many judges? Is every [ __ ] with a

5:48

lanyard a judge? That's a lot of

5:50

pressure. That's a lot of pressure. Is

5:52

there a separate division for the use of

5:53

toys? I mean, tools. Toys sound sexual.

5:56

Like using your feet. Like, is that a

5:58

separate class? And that brush thing,

5:59

what's that? I just I don't get how you

6:02

regulate this sport. So, if there's a

6:04

competitive masseuse watching, you can

6:07

let me know in the comments. That would

6:08

be great. I feel like the barrier to

6:10

entry to get into a lot of these new

6:11

sports is quite high though. Like,

6:13

there's a lot of startup costs. This is

6:15

sperm racing. So, yeah, the costs would

6:18

be astronomical. You need the equipment,

6:19

you need the technology. All the jizz,

6:21

like, where do you get that from? Do you

6:23

use your own? And and after it is

6:26

expelled from your body, do you be like,

6:28

"Oh, can I have that back? Like, there

6:30

could be a champion in there, so like, I

6:32

want to race it." Like, what do you How

6:34

do you logistically get into this sport?

6:36

I don't get it. And why am I watching it

6:38

for so long? That guy's flying. He is

6:40

flying. And this as well, like, the

6:42

competitive chili eating stuff. All the

6:44

costs on [ __ ] sauce, WD40 for your

6:48

bowel, the dunny paper. You need a

6:50

constant supply of of toilet paper. This

6:53

guy wins it. No one's competing. Or

6:55

people accidentally end up competing.

6:58

You're the world champion, mate. You got

6:59

this. But massaging, look, just you can

7:01

get into that. I suppose that's easy,

7:03

just to round round back to that one.

7:05

All you need is two hands and a whole

7:07

bunch of bloody Diddy style baby oil,

7:10

and then you're off and racing. You got

7:11

it. You can get into this one, no

7:14

worries. Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed

7:16

me foray into the world of contemporary

7:18

new age sports. There's so many new and

7:20

exciting ways to gamble online and lose

7:23

your money.

7:24

Cheers, legends.

7:27

[Music]

Continue with YouTLDR

Analyze another video with Pro

Process a new video, search every timestamp, compare sources, and keep the result in your library.

Get Pro — $12/month30-day money-back guarantee

More transcripts

Explore other videos transcribed with YouTLDR.