How Do They Judge This!? New Sports

Hey young legends, today we're reviewing

new sports. By new, I mean new to me.

This is water jousting. It's medieval,

it's old. Oh, in he goes.

Surely it's been around for centuries,

but I only just found out about it. So,

that means it's new. It's a very slow

sport until it isn't. [ __ ] Look,

maybe it's not as exciting as

interspecies competitive eating or the

stranger lure of gigantic single paddle

tennis, but nah, it's it's fun. It's

fun.

See you, wouldn't want to be you. A lot

of new sports are combinations of

existing sports like tennis baseball,

which is baseball for erratic wankers

like me who struggle to focus. Or

unicycle hockey, which admittedly must

require a metric [ __ ] ton of skill and

coordination, but at the end of the day

is still a group of growing men riding

around on unicycles. Shopping trolley

soccer, there's a blocky bloke sport.

There's no way it wasn't invented by a

bunch of drunkards in the car park after

going to the pub. Ball. Number 11

scores. Bloody Haaland, eat your heart

out. Professional bog scuba. Scoobering

in a bog, a bog of eternal stench that

you shall scoober in. And look, maybe

beneath the water lies amazing sights

unseen by most mortal eyes, or maybe

it's just gross. Not as gross as

competitive snuffing. This is just Oh,

it's a lot of tobacco to put up your

snozzer. I mean, I get it. After a hard

day of wood plank salon, you're on edge.

You could use a smoker. It's a hard

sport this one, and you're responsible

for the income of a lot of people, so

you need that outlet in which you snuff

the tobacco. Whatever, can we just go to

the pub? Cheers, lads. Chess boxing. So,

this is very much the same as other

classic combat sports such as disco

soccer and pro spanking. Except after

the first round, you sit down, you play

some [ __ ] chess. You talk to your

opponent. You say, "You know what, let's

quit bashing each other's brains in, and

let's strengthen each other's brains

with chess." Or we can go back to the

pub, and we can watch some plain old

run-of-the-mill [ __ ] toe wrestling.

That's right, toe wrestling. Oh yeah,

off they go. [ __ ] twinkle toes versus

bunion buster. Twinkle toes won that.

Although, on the replay, I do have to

question the green nail polish. Is it

regulation or not? Okay, skateboarding

mixed with skateboarding. Wowee, that's

a nose grind on top of a nose grind.

This guy's board just ollied its own

ollie. This is fifth dimensional

skateboarding. X times Y times Z times

time itself. I have never seen anything

like this. It might be a bit rich for

me. I need some classic 90s skate vibes,

but with a twist, actually, which is

where extreme sitting comes into it.

[ __ ] yes, kicky bam down. Spinny flippy

into a power stance. Look at all these

[ __ ] flippy spinny tricks coupled

with the timeless passion of sitting on

your ass. This is so good, it should get

its own video game franchise. Come on,

Neversoft. Tony Hawk's pro sitting is

the franchise that could put you back on

top. I mean, it's not as cool as, let's

say, combat lumberjacking. This is a

great new growth sector. Like, yeah,

nothing's as cool as this. Look at that.

Oh, wowee, even tech bros are getting in

on it creating robot combat

lumberjacking. That's already a thing,

and it's going to yeah, it's going to do

well for a lot of people, I reckon.

Isn't it? Probably not. It's just me

watching it. Okey-dokey, I'm cool with

that as well. Hey legends, or if you're

in Perth on November 16th, come along to

the ultimate backyard cricket match.

I'll be partaking in the match along

with some pro cricketers, and we're

basically raising funds for the Pirate

Ship Foundation, which is a

not-for-profit organization that puts a

lot of money into researching childhood

brain cancer. If you'd like to partake

in the event and you're not in Perth,

then please, please, please go to the

webpage Dunk Aussie Man on the Shout for

Good website. I'll put that link in the

post description below, and give

generously. Make it my Christmas present

from you to me to donate to this cause.

I'm going to get dunked in an icy cold

tank by a kid called Spencer who has

survived aggressive brain cancer. So,

yeah, bloody help Spencer dunk me, and

we want to raise 20 grand for that,

which I think is fair. If you want to

see my nipples go rock hard, 20 grand is

is worth it. I'll put it in like

Destination F'd volume 43. I'll put the

footage in that episode of me getting

dunked. So, yeah, the links are below in

the post description. Go check it out.

Cheers. Extreme ironing, that's a thing

from the same inventive [ __ ] that

brought you the ancient cultural pastime

of shin kicking. Yeah, I guess this is

the British culture everyone's trying to

preserve.

Oh, wow. Wow, now it's impressive. He's

doing it mid rock climb. Okay, I'm not

really feeling it, to be honest,

especially after watching tomato

slingshot dodgeball and three-handed

one-man wall tennis.

Oh, Japan, they invent activities all

the time. Look at that one. He hacky

sacked into some pants. Oh, competitive

apologizing. Look at his ability to

acknowledge his shortcomings and say

sorry. That's the real test of strength

in this sport. All the sick flippy spins

are just a bonus, something for the

fans. But yeah, no, no, no, no, yeah,

the true power of the sport is in the

apology. Woah, it's like a perfect

dismount. There it is. Perhaps the

hottest new sport on the planet though

is competitive massaging. How do you

judge it though? Does every [ __ ]

come in with the same level of muscle

pain and you need to sort them out? Or

like, is it based on how many vertebrae

a masseuse can straighten or how many of

those gas bubble pocket things go

pop? Like, yeah. And why are there so

many judges? Is every [ __ ] with a

lanyard a judge? That's a lot of

pressure. That's a lot of pressure. Is

there a separate division for the use of

toys? I mean, tools. Toys sound sexual.

Like using your feet. Like, is that a

separate class? And that brush thing,

what's that? I just I don't get how you

regulate this sport. So, if there's a

competitive masseuse watching, you can

let me know in the comments. That would

be great. I feel like the barrier to

entry to get into a lot of these new

sports is quite high though. Like,

there's a lot of startup costs. This is

sperm racing. So, yeah, the costs would

be astronomical. You need the equipment,

you need the technology. All the jizz,

like, where do you get that from? Do you

use your own? And and after it is

expelled from your body, do you be like,

"Oh, can I have that back? Like, there

could be a champion in there, so like, I

want to race it." Like, what do you How

do you logistically get into this sport?

I don't get it. And why am I watching it

for so long? That guy's flying. He is

flying. And this as well, like, the

competitive chili eating stuff. All the

costs on [ __ ] sauce, WD40 for your

bowel, the dunny paper. You need a

constant supply of of toilet paper. This

guy wins it. No one's competing. Or

people accidentally end up competing.

You're the world champion, mate. You got

this. But massaging, look, just you can

get into that. I suppose that's easy,

just to round round back to that one.

All you need is two hands and a whole

bunch of bloody Diddy style baby oil,

and then you're off and racing. You got

it. You can get into this one, no

worries. Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed

me foray into the world of contemporary

new age sports. There's so many new and

exciting ways to gamble online and lose

your money.

Cheers, legends.

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